The Good Ship Lollipop

Shirley Temple has died. This bums me out for reasons I can’t exactly pin down. It’s not that I was a huge fan of her films (as far as you know), although I often find myself singing the “Animal Crackers” song for reasons that are likewise unclear. Maybe it’s simply the fact that she was a talented actress and a quality human being, or maybe – just maybe – it’s that for most of the ’80s, Mrs. Temple and I shared a hairstyle.

I feel pretty

Although the prevailing opinion is that I looked more like Blossom in my early teens. It’s just hurtful.

Bieber

I don’t know a single song this kid performs – wait, is he a singer or an actress? – but I find myself weirdly fascinated by the recent headlines, and stories that all seem to include the line “and that’s when Bieber snapped.” Apparently the poor fellow is going through the pop star version of his terrible twos and it just cracks me up. It’s like saying “and that’s when the Snuggles bear snapped” or “and that’s when the fuzzy wittle kitten snapped.” It all reminds me of the period when poor Britney was going through the same thing, the exception being that Britney had a much deeper voice.

And that’s when Shirley Temple snapped

See? It just doesn’t work.

Olympics!

Broad jump? I killed her. (Yes, that’s Louie Anderson, don’t get your codpiece in a knot.)

Valentine’s Day

Boy, that’s coming right up, isn’t it? What day is that again? I’ve got to get on the ball. Think I’ll buy one of those giant stuffed bears you see in the commercials. I’ll have to get something for the wife, too.

By the way

What a man does with his giant stuffed bear in the privacy of his own home is nobody’s business but his own.

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