Person of interest

The cause of a recent fire that destroyed a mobile home was described as the result of “human element” and investigators had developed a “person of interest” in the matter. Whenever you see this kind of ambiguous cop speak under my byline please know that every inch of my squishy reporter’s soul cries out against it. That should read “the fire was set and police have suspects,” but no. When dealing with a federal or state agency, you’ve got to stick to the script. It makes you wonder if these people talk that way in their private lives and, if so, whether they do it during intimate moments. I’ll just let you come up with an example of this on your own. Warning: it’s hard to stop once you start.

Doo doo head

I was chastised by a reader this week for too frequently discussing, describing or just tittering over things like pee, boogers and bird poop. The funny – I mean shameful – part of this complaint is that each of the above terms appeared together in the same glorious sentence. I’m not proud of that. As far as you know.

When squirrels attack

In my defense, I should point out that I contributed to a story about a squirrel attack without introducing the word “nuts” a single time. I wanted to, don’t get me wrong. Still want to. In fact, I’d be shocked if I get all the way through the rest of this column without using “nuts” in a hilarious and inappropriate way.

Scumbaggery

This very excellent word was coined for the first time, as far as I know, by the Bag Lady of Bliss Through Shopping. Who happens to be my reviled enemy, upon whom I have declared eternal hatred! Damn you, Bag Lady! Vengeance shall be mine!

Just kidding

I actually think the Bag Lady is swell and would gladly share my licorice with her. I’ve just always wanted a reviled enemy and haven’t had one since Jim Bennett left town.

Resurrection

What do you know? It’s a TV series that I actually like. It’s the story of a cozy Missouri town where residents have a weird habit of coming back to life years after their deaths, and it’s well-written, wonderfully acted and completely coherent. In other words, it’s everything that “Under the Dome” is not. I hereby declare the cast of “Under the Dome” as my reviled enemy!

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