If Gov. Christie visits Lewiston

Watch for traffic problems on the Longley Bridge.

My apologies

To Bill Lepack, the Livermore hippie whose name I defiled by inserting a capital P into it. In some cultures, the capital P represents respect and admiration. Don’t ask me where those cultures are because they don’t exist. Anyway, I’m sorry. OK? It won’t hapPen again.

Fires in OOB

I have no particular comment to offer on this, it’s just that the mention of Old Orchard Beach reminds me that it’s time to dig out the old thong.

Obama addresses Walmart

What do you want to bet he appears at his next State of the Union address in pajama bottoms. Walmart has a way of rubbing off on a guy. Ask me how I know.

Basket case

Speaking of Walmart, what’s the deal with the greeter at the front of the store? Do you ever get the feeling that he’d really like to talk to you? And why is he always standing next to a single plastic shopping basket? Is he guarding it? What will he do if you try to take it? Furthermore, why is there only one dang basket available? Are times so tough that Walmart can’t afford more of them? Did they discuss this with the president? Maybe we can get more baskets through legislation or something.

For the men

Do you ever feel weirdly effeminate carrying one of those plastic baskets through the store? No? Me neither. Not many people know it, but I’m very manly.

Some weather we’re having

Do you get the sense that I’m very desperate for material this week? As if I waited until the very last moment to fire this column out and now I’m really just writing down the random thoughts that float through my head like pollen? And speaking of pollen, don’t YOU think Bill Lepack should spell his name with a capital P?

Mother’s Day

Holy appreciation! It’s Mother’s Day. It’s funny, because when you realize you missed the holiday, the very first thing you utter starts with the word “mother.’ Ah, tradition.

Doh!

Seriously, I forgot Mother’s Day. I’ve got to go to Walmart.

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