Pinball wizard

As you can see in the story to your left (no, your other left) I got down with some pinball recently. When you have pinball on your mind, the great Who song “Pinball Wizard” is sure to follow. This time, I looked up the lyrics. When I was a kid, I thought the final line was “short laser beam pinball.” Of course, I’m the same guy who thought Elton John was singing “Hold me closer, Tony Danza . . .” So there’s that.

‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

Or is it gray? Why are there two ways to spell the blandest of all colors? But never mind that. The first “Fifty Shades” movie is set to hit the theaters. Fun for the whole clan. In fact, why not get your mother out of the house and bring her to see a wholesome family film? I don’t think that would be awkward at all.

The Royals are in first place

I don’t care if you dislike baseball. I don’t care if you didn’t realize that KC still had a team. It’s June and they’re in first place and, by God, I’m going to announce it in every way possible. In fact, be sure to be on your porch this evening as I ride by with an ice cream truck hijacked for this very purpose. The Royals are in first place. I mean, somebody pinch me!

Ouch

OK, stop pinching now.

Dirty laundry

And I do mean dirty. In downtown Lewiston early in the week, a couple was said to be fighting in the street over diapers and money. I had a dozen hilarious jokes to make here but quick-witted photographer Russ Dillingham stole them all. If you want to hear the jokes, contact Russ at rdillingham@sunjournal.com. Do it now.

It’s all downhill from here

Yes, the longest day of the year has come and gone. Yes, the summer solstice is behind us now. The first person to utter “Well, the days are getting shorter now” has cooties. And not just cooties, Super Cooties. Save that lugubrious caterwauling for the Fourth of July, when things really start going to hell.

You want me

An alleged gangster’s mugshot is going viral, with women (and a few men) ignoring the felon’s criminal record and swooning over his dreamy eyes, pouty lips and brooding bad-boy gaze. You know, the same thing happens in response to the little caricature that runs with this column each week. Back off, ladies. Don’t make me call my security team.

Other people’s stuff

As of Friday afternoon, there were an estimated 3.5 million lawn sales underway in Lewiston alone, according to a very scientific study conducted by me. And it makes me wonder how many car crashes are caused by people driving by who spot something tasty among the mounds. “Hey! Is that a George Foreman grill? I could really use one of those to whip up some hamb –” SMASH, CRUNCH, CRINKLE, SCREAMS!

P.S.

It wasn’t a George Foreman grill. It was a tennis racket. Gone by the time the fire trucks cleared out. I did pick up a Lite-Brite, though, so everything worked out fine.

P.P.S.

Also, Connect Four. There, diagonally.

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