A real sketchy character

That crazy Bill Eldridge is at it again. He’s the freakishly talented artist who frequently sends in sketches based on my books or on stories I have written for the paper. Lately, he’s taken to decorating the newspaper pages themselves, perhaps as a means to save trees. This week, I received two of them in the mail. One, sketched across last week’s Street Talk, is a depiction of me riding a bicycle like a madman while wearing a Santa hat. The other, my personal favorite, is a sketch of me using the world’s most awesome urinal, the one located at the Androscoggin County courthouse. And just like that, Mr. Eldridge has given me the image I will most definitely use next year as my Christmas card.

Take that, Cooper

The Sun Journal has a quality control method where it sends out questionnaires to people who have been quoted in the paper. It’s always interesting to read those comments to see what the public at large thinks of your reporting, writing and personal hygiene. Got some interesting comments back lately. I’m just going to put this out there. “As I’m reading your letter and the article you sent, I now realize that I was talking to the famous Mark LaFlamme from the Sun Journal… He does look a bit like Anderson Cooper, only Mark LaFlamme is far more handsome, and smarter, too!”

Brevity is hurtful

But to be completely honest here, those questionnaires don’t always return such flattering and truthful comments. Sometimes readers complain about the reporter’s spelling. They claim their comments were taken out of context. I have, hanging on my wall, a comment from one reader that simply states: “Mark LaFlamme is a strange guy.” I’m thinking about having it framed.

Bad news in a clown suit

Gas prices have reached freaky lows, to the extent where you want to shout “Wahoo!” every time you fill up your tank. But the crazy drop in oil prices has already caused thousands of layoffs across the country and another 50,000 jobs may fall in coming months. Big banks are holding trillions in derivatives that could blow up if the price of oil doesn’t rebound. Cheap gas might be like one of those cartoon cigars that tastes good for a couple puffs before it explodes and blows you to smithereens. Go ahead and celebrate when you fill your tank, but immediately after that, you should take all your money out of the bank and crouch in a closet with it, muttering softly.

 Resolutions

This year, to ensure that I keep all my New Year’s resolutions, on New Year’s Eve I engaged in a variety of habits that I don’t particularly enjoy so that the next day I could successfully swear off them. You have my solemn vow that you won’t see me walking around in high heels and a skort in 2015. Meanwhile, if you find that you’re having trouble breaking your own promises four days into the new year, give me a call. I’ll come over and break them for you.

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