HOW ARE YOU TODAY!!

There’s a Walmart greeter in Auburn who is so darn jolly, he scares me a little. I’m always in the zone when I walk into the superstore, so when this guy springs out of nowhere like an over-caffeinated ninja dog, demanding that I accept his greeting, I sometimes lose control of my bladder and run away in tears. Which, of course, demands that I return to the store at some point to buy new pantaloons. Please, Walmart. Bring back the hulking, surly and silent guy who merely offered shoppers a curt nod, during which his head moved no more than a half-centimeter. As far as I know, that guy never uttered a word during his long career at the Walmart doors.

Pantaloons

Is that a fun word, or what? Let’s bring it back into the mainstream.

Bigfoot

So, roughly 4,000 people this week have asked me why I’m not working on the Bigfoot sighting story in Turner, the implication being that I might turn it into a mini-drama, as was done with a certain dead dog out that way a few years ago. Another handful of people have suggested that I don a monkey suit and go flying around the Turner trails on my motorcycle just for kicks. Of course, these are the same people who kept giving me fur coats and antlers to wear during hunting season, so you can understand my doubts.

You, my friend . . .

. . . are a canker blossom.

I apologize for the bellicosity. A colleague, for Christmas, got me a mug decorated with Shakespearean insults. It’s a real beauty and I didn’t get her anything at all. I am SUCH a beetle-headed, flap-eared knave.

Kirby Delauter

Honk if you know what this means.

Kirby Delauter.

Green Friday back, if you get my drift

The Google Voice translation service is getting better. Here’s its interpretation of a message I received last week. It got my name right. It was all downhill from there. “Hey Mark, This date ups diploma. Some of my net actually the tractor racing form. I guess. Yeah we do it. You activation saying we run on the ice of mine it. Usually on Saturdays. We just give me a season going. So I don’t know. I’m recheck as well have a do this week. Hey, and we could clean the pond and. But. On occasion we do have a pretty wild time of day stand off give you a call back. Green Friday back.”

Hot stuff

It has come to my attention that a fire alarm that caused the evacuation of a certain Turner school last week was caused by a certain animal control officer who was cooking popcorn in a certain microwave. That’s all I can tell you at this time. P.S. . . . It was Wendell Strout.

Kudos

To local school officials who didn’t go all sissy britches and cancel school due to the sub-zero weather. Cold like this toughens a kid up, am I right? Why, when we were lads, we sometimes had to skate to school and often while wearing nothing but thin, ineffective pantaloons. (See? I’m doing my part. Pantaloons!)

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