Dozens of bunnies arrive at shelter

When I first read this headline, I pictured long lines of rabbits with hobo bags slung over their shoulders as they made the long march toward a school gymnasium seeking shelter for the night. You know, in the aftermath of some bunny emergency that rousted them from their homes. I saw them smoking cigarettes, tossing pennies and grumbling as they waited for beds and food rations. As it turns out, this wasn’t the case at all. People actually CARRIED these rabbits to the shelter in warm cars and there was no smoking or grumbling at all. I tell you, bunnies just don’t have the same grit they used to have.

I couldn’t be more wronger

You might have noticed that the very first line of the hallucinatory scene above is completely invalid. Bunnies don’t even HAVE shoulders!

Kennebunk man facing more heroin charges

Now with this headline, I pictured a drug addict receiving a bill in the mail for some smack he had ordered and complaining about the charges. I mean, what’s with all these hidden fees they hit you with? Syringe tax? Vein surcharge? Accrued opium interest? That’s how they get you. It’s getting so a guy can’t even afford to shoot up anymore.

New Auburn residents under boil order

I won’t even get into what I initially thought about this one. Cannibals!

My apologies for the rampant delusions

I’ve had a very strange week. Dozens of people are still trying to figure out why I’ve been up at dawn for 10 days straight. It’s a real mystery all right. I’ll give you a hint: It’s not morning sickness.

Golly

At least I don’t THINK it’s morning sickness. I should probably have that checked.

Lady Liberty

That statue-looking dude, peddling tax services on Main Street in Lewiston, just freaks me out. I pass him a dozen times a day, yet I’m startled every time he starts flapping his statue arms and shaking his freaky crowned head. It’s spooky, I tell you. Mostly I’m just miffed because I was going to wear that very same outfit this week. Don’t you hate that?

Smooth sailing

Well, will you look at that? We’re more than halfway through January and fast approaching that faint light at the end of the tunnel. If winter was our Delaware River, we’d be at the point now where we could actually see land on the other side. I’d be the dork jumping up and down in the back of the boat and yelling, “By gum, I think we’re going to make it, George!” At which point the great general would slap me upside the head for addressing him by name and for waking up the Hessians on the other side. But I digress.

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