Wussified?

Last week, there was a call over the police scanner wherein somebody asked for help after stumbling out of a chair and stubbing her toe. A few days later, an ambulance was requested after a woman cut herself shaving whilst in the shower. Soon after, a young lady demanded paramedics because her right pinky knuckle “felt kind of weird” whenever she used it to scratch her inner right ear. The third one is made up, but the first two are absolutely genuine. People, and mostly women, are calling for medics for such minor ailments lately, I’ve got to wonder if there’s some strapping young stud working on the ambulance crew these days.

Red rage

I’ve found a new set of traffic lights to hate and/or to scream obscenities at. Hampshire and Turner streets in Auburn, in front of the Y. That hunk of junk obviously conspires with the light at Bates and Pine in Lewiston to go red whenever I’m in proximity, no matter what the hour of day. It stays red for about three hours, too, even when there is not a single vehicle going in that direction. I scream at it a lot, no doubt, but you can’t really run that particular light, what with the sheriff’s department and jail squatting right there all menacingly and such. Life is hard.

Scout’s honor

Well, well, well. It appears as though NBC news stud Brian Williams was never hit by a rocket-propelled grenade while in a helicopter over Iraq as he had claimed. Can you believe it? A falsehood from the Fourth Estate? Makes you wonder what else they’re lying about, doesn’t it? Well, I’ll never lie to you people, you have my word. When I talk about that time I was groped by a scary prostitute on Pine Street in Lewiston, you better believe it happened. That thing with the shoehorn was true as well, but I don’t like to talk about it.

Although . . .

The memes that have come out of the Williams’ debacle have been top notch. I especially like the one with Mr. Williams standing before the tanks at Tiananmen Square. And the one where Williams is the fifth Beatle.

Most annoying

Someone should launch a Winter of 2015’s Most Annoying type of contest exclusively for people who live or work in downtown Lewiston. Is it the cars still parked on the streets even though the streets have been narrowed to the size of sidewalks? Is it the groups of four, walking shoulder-to-shoulder in the middle of the street and just daring you to try driving past them? Is it the slush you have to walk through, slush of the same color and consistency of that gross quicksand on Gilligan’s Island? Pine Street is disqualified from the voting because Pine Street is annoying in all seasons.

Whistling banned in Canton?

That was a recent headline and, well, that’s just stupid. How are you supposed to call your dog?

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