Left turn, Clyde

I sure do appreciate the new turning lane at Route 4 and Lake Shore Drive. Formerly, if you were on a motorcycle and waiting to make that turn, you learned to pray. There’s nothing like the feeling of a cool lake breeze blowing over you as a 16-wheeler bears down on your backside at 70 mph. I used to think that if I had to die in that spot, at least I’d go with the smell of Roy’s hot dogs in my nose.

Aw, man

Now I’ve got to drop everything I was doing and go get a hot dog at Roy’s. Might even hit some balls while I’m there. Which sounds dirty, but isn’t.

The straight dope

Now listen here, prudes. The gleaming silver thing you see poking from my left breast pocket is not a crack pipe, pot pipe or some funky marital aid. It’s a vape. A vape, I tell you! More specifically, it’s a Kayfun Five Pawns tank, sitting atop an MVP 2.0. It’s just amazing the way people react to that thing. Elderly folks shake their heads and go tsk, tsk. Mothers scoop up their kids and move to the other side of the street. I’ll bet if I actually pulled the thing out of my pocket, I could cause fainting. By golly, I’m gonna try it.

Quoi?

Somewhere out there in the great wide world, a man named “Frenchy” is reading the paper and laughing his buttocks off. For a week now, the whole community has been searching for him, waiting to give him full credit for designing the Taber’s mini-golf course in Auburn. Turns out it was a fellow named George that did the design work, and George didn’t rock a nickname. Oopsie! Henceforth, this brand of misidentification shall be known as having “a Taber’s moment.” Try it out today!

Will the real Frenchy please stand up

Incidentally, back in Waterville, I knew eight people with the nickname “Frenchy.” Excellent people, all of them. Except for “Frenchy” number seven. He was a real loser and still owes me money.

Doofus

Congratulations to reporter Scott Taylor, who, on Wednesday, managed to get the word “doofus” into a news story. In proper context, too: “Owner Mary Nicholson figures the latest addition to the graffiti-styled mural was scrawled on last week by a doofus with a can of black spray paint.” I burn with envy. To compete, I’ll need to finagle a word of equal charm into one of my own conversations. “Flibbertigibbet” would do the trick, or possibly “cockalorum.” Which shouldn’t be hard considering the crowd I run with.

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