Coals?

On Monday, the Kohl’s department store sign burned up after flames from a brush fire reached up to devour it. Nobody hurt and, thankfully, the discount racks were not damaged. The discount rack at Kohl’s is where you can find a truly stylish shirt that just happens to be three sizes larger than the largest known human. I buy those suckers whenever I see them and simply call them “robes.” I currently have more robes than Hugh Hefner. Just one more reason why The Hef wishes he were me.

Dark at 4:30 p.m.

Wouldn’t that be a cool title for an autobiography? Don’t you be stealing it, stealing stealer, it’s mine. But the fact is, in Maine, sunlight is all but gone by 4:30 p.m., which is really kind of a problem if you sleep until noon and then spend the next two hours drinking coffee and grousing about having to be up. I know a guy like that. Total loser. You know we’re in a rough part of the season when, to cheer you up, people will say things like “Well, only one more month before the days start to lengthen again!” And you wonder why delicious Allen’s Coffee Brandy is so popular here.

Rancid!

Was driving along West Auburn Road, near the lake, Tuesday night when I came across the most atrocious stench you’ve ever sniffed. Smelled quite a lot like rot with maybe some plain old filth thrown in for good measure. It stank, now that I think of it, the way I imagine the landscape in “The Walking Dead” would stank. Wait, would stink? Either way, it was foul and more than a little surprising. That part of Auburn is typically pristine. I’m not even sure foul aromas are allowed there. Until I get an explanation, I’m just going to go ahead and assume it was zombies.

Scarfed

On Wednesday, I had to write a simple story about some jail inmates making scarfs for the little ones. Or perhaps they were making scarves. I polled a number of people (it’s not as fun as it sounds) about the proper spelling and never did get a straight answer. Scarfs? Or Scarves? Turns out you can use either spelling and be correct. Isn’t that kool? Grammer is phun, yo.

Eats

Three Tim Horton stores in Lewiston-Auburn closed up shop so quickly last week that mystified customers were practically wheeled out to the parking lot and told good riddance while they were still chewing on their muffins. That practically happened. And when I called the company headquarters in Canada, I think they used some kind of mind-meld hypnotism on me. A nice lady there said, “Store closings, ay? That can’t possibly be, my good man. We’ve never had stores in Lewiston and Auburn.” And for the rest of the day, I went around clucking like a chicken.

Fun fact!

Tim Horton was a hockey player! Isn’t that fun? OK, seriously. Take your muffin and go.

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