Start me up

It’s ironic that after years of getting ridiculed for riding my motorcycle in sloppy winter weather, this year it seems like everyone is out on a bike while mine sits in the garage. I have a starter problem, and just you shut up about it. Happens to all guys after they start racking up high mileage.

Scrape Day

Is there a term for the kind of day where, every time you go to use your car or truck, you have to re-scrape the ice off the windshield? I have a word I use to describe it. It’s 17 letters long yet only one syllable. To say it correctly, you actually have to vomit onto your hood, and no one wants to see that.

Plowed

The first snowstorm of the year rendered me stupid. In the early afternoon the day it came, I was out at the end of my driveway, shovel in hand, when a plow truck pulled to the side of the road. The driver cranked down his window and said, “Why don’t you step out of the way so I can plow you out. This IS 318, ain’t it?” In fact, it wasn’t 318, but did the driver need to know that? The summertime me would have been smart enough to just nod and let the dude do his plowing before bringing this error to his attention. Instead, I told the truth and he drove away, leaving me there with my shovel and a yard full of snow. I swear, for every inch of snow that falls, my IQ drops five . . . what do you call them . . . points.

The Fugitive

The so-called Affluenza teen, wanted for violating probation, was caught this week. In Mexico. With his mommy. How embarrassing. This guy is no Mad Trapper of Rat River, I’ll tell you that much. (Look it up. You’ll be glad you did.)

Waddaya in for?

Furthermore, if the Affluenza kid gets thrown in prison, he will very likely be the only inmate in the joint who can answer that question by stating: “Beer pong.” I’m sure that’ll help him earn some cred in the yard. 

Good riddance, 2015

You know who should get the anti-person of the year award? University of Missouri Communications Professor Melissa Click. She’s no Mark Thackeray, I’ll tell you that much.

We’re rich, I tells you!

Mark Zuckerberg wants to give us all huge stacks of money, but only if everyone forwards this column to 10 friends. I don’t know how you’re going to do it if you happen to be reading it in the newspaper, but that’s not my problem. My problem is what I’m going to do with all those Zuck Bucks.

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