Look away, I’m hideous

A schoolteacher formerly known as Mrs. Morton called with the suspicion that I was her student in third grade back in 1964. She came to this conclusion after seeing my photo that accompanies my newspaper column, which to me is very distressing. Since I wasn’t born until 1967, the idea that I would have been a third grader in ’64 means I must look at least 10 years older than my actual age. I knew it! I’m haggard!

Democrats want to punish LePage

Well, that just sounds naughty.

Turner to charge for sand/salt mix

To get your sand/salt mix, go to the alley behind the hardware store at 1 a.m. sharp and wait for a dude named “Badger” to come down the fire escape. If he doesn’t smell a rat, Badger will drop a baggie with the sand/salt mix at your feet, at which point you are to hand over an envelope containing the amount of cash agreed on. If stuff goes down after you leave the hardware store, you never heard of Badger, you got me? You have no idea where that sand/salt mix came from, capisce?

Pardon the theatrics

I just started watching “Breaking Bad” on Netflix.

Man who was shot by Lewiston police pleads guilty

I was kind of hoping they’d call me for jury duty on that one because I had a perfect way to get out of it. This here is the dude who interrupted game four of baseball’s 2014 American League Championship Series and I’ll never forgive him for it.

Where we live

It has come to my attention that the fine people of Oxford County like to describe their homeland as “The OC.” Which is fair, I suppose, since here in the Twin Cities, we refer to ourselves as L-A, and the people of Vassalboro call their town Vas Vegas. Actually, I don’t know if that latter is true, but it really ought to be.

Powerball!

The jackpot, at the time of this writing, is huge. I’m really hoping to win this time around so I can finance some of that sweet sand/salt mix.

Jay to stop accepting trash from Carthage, Fayette

Well, that seems petty. I guess that’s just how they roll in The FC.

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