Groundhog Day

According to a photo caption in Tuesday’s Sun Journal, a pair of university professors work “to collect secretions from a scent gland inside the mouth of a groundhog pup.” And we think this little fella is concerned about whether or not he sees his shadow? The poor critter probably just wants to spit.

Cold as ice

There’s a snowman in a yard along Webster Street in Lewiston who dons a pink scarf, a black top hat and what appears to be an American flag speared through his midsection. The snowman’s snow face is turned up to the cold winter skies as if imploring the heavens to spare him this agony. Seriously, snow builders: Did you have to give the poor snow soul a pink scarf?

Pine Street boogie

It’s fun to watch people trying to gangsta walk downtown during a big snowstorm. I don’t care who you are, when snow blows down the back of your baggy pants, the little dance you do is just not big and bad. Also, it’s impossible to look tough with earmuffs on. Also, get out of the road!

This candidate brought to you by Palmolive

Hillary defies all mathematical odds with coin-flip voodoo. Trump checks out of the debates and promptly drops to second fiddle. Microsoft unveils magic vote-counting technology that can apparently predict the future. Now there’s a Showtime reality show based on the 2016 election because apparently we don’t get enough of it through TV news. Have we figured out that it’s all freak-show entertainment for the masses by this point? Or as Noam Chomsky puts it, “It is important to bear in mind that political campaigns are designed by the same people who sell toothpaste and cars.”

Ghost rider

Pay no nevermind if you see me out on Pine Street, sitting atop a fire hydrant and making “vroom, vroom” noises. We finally get a mild, almost nonexistent winter and my motorcycle is on the fritz. Won’t start, no matter how much I scream, swear and cry. So, I’m riding the fire hydrants through the landscape of imagination, which wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for all the dogs peeing on me.

On the Fritz?

Is that even a real term? Exactly who is Fritz and why does he get blamed for everything that’s broken?

Bounce

There’s a new trampoline park in Lewiston. I hate those things. I put a trampoline in my basement and all I got was a concussion.

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