Guck vs. Gunk

Got a call from a fellow who was reporting a white stripe of guck on the rocks beneath the Longley Bridge. I went over there, but by the time I arrived there was no guck to be seen. There was some gunk, don’t get me wrong. But guck has a different sheen and texture altogether, and I didn’t find any. If it’s any consolation, guck makes for a very fine sound effect or an utterance of displeasure at meal time. MOM: “What do you think of the turnip casserole?” DAD: “Guck.” MOM: “I want a divorce.”

Light my ire

A red-faced and fuming reader wrote to complain about the traffic light at Center Street and Stetson Road in Auburn. And I quote: “It’s always red on Center Street, where there is more traffic, and green on Stetson Road, which has way less traffic,” he raged. “I think it’s a car dealership conspiracy to get u to look at there cars while u wait at the light even though there is no traffic at the other light. Mark, something has to be done!” In response to his torrid note, I took a drive over to Center Street and, sure enough, the light at Stetson Road seemed excessively long. On the Mark Scale of Red Light Rage, I’d rate it a 6. Of course, I was only stuck there that one time. If I had to travel that route often, it could easily ascend into 8 territory.

Hey, wait a minute

If the above reader wrote to me, how the heck could I possibly know that he was “red-faced and fuming?” Busted!

Light-headed

But while we’re on the subject, have I ever mentioned to anyone around here how much I hate – HATE! – the traffic light at Pine and Bates streets in Lewiston? It’s a light that openly mocks the tired traveler, turning green for the street with no traffic and red for the street where cars are backed up a quarter-mile. And when it goes red, brother, it stays that way a long time. Beets don’t remain red as long as the light at Pine and Bates street. I’m seen human pregnancies that move along more quickly than that light.

Light show

But while we’re on the subject, have I ever mentioned to anyone around here how much I hate – HATE! – the traffic light at Webster and Farwell streets in Lewiston? Or at Hampshire and Turner in Auburn? Or any light, really, that doesn’t switch over to blinking in the wee hours.

Light in the loafers

The light at Webster and Pine in Lewiston is no picnic, either. The road is so rough on Webster Street there, if you speed up to beat the yellow, the fillings will fly right outta your head. I seen it happen, man. I seen it.

Men have named you

Did I really see a photo of the Mona Lisa smoking a doobie on Wednesday’s front page? I guess that explains why she’s smirking.