The Mad Dog barks at midnight

Somewhere in Lewiston, a man walks into convenience store, grabs a bottle of liquor off a shelf, downs it and promptly passes out on the floor. Now, I ask you: is that even shoplifting? I mean, the drunken fellow never left the store with the goods. As far as we know, he fully intended to pay for the hooch as soon as he roused from his 16-hour nap. Why, it’s akin to sampling a few grapes at the grocery store. Or in this case, a few thousand grapes. Whatever it takes to make up the heavenly nectar that is Mad Dog 20/20.

They fizz when you bite them

Prowling around Lewiston on the bike recently, I came across a house that’s already partially decorated for Halloween. It’s your house, you can decorate it any way you please. It just seems to me that if someone is declaring it Halloween in early September, they should be required to hand out candy to whomever happens to knock on the door. Hint: I like Zots.

iPhone 7

The new Apple phone is out, all water resistant with dual cameras that include optical image stabilization and a brighter f/1.8 lens. Not to mention force tough trackpads, Lightning earpod connectors and Taptic Engine haptic feedback system. I bring it up because it doesn’t seem like it’s been that long since the time when to get a new phone, all you had to do was head down to your local Bell store and pick one up for 10 or 15 bucks. Back then, your breathtaking options included black, green or tan. Not to mention tabletop or wall mounted. Phone book with yellow pages and Pizza Ranch coupons not included.

Half mast

The fellow who hung all those flags over the Veteran’s Bridge for all those years has retired. For a solid decade, I chased my tail all over the place as I sought to uncover the identity of the man, whom I was convinced had to be at least half monkey in order to scale so many trees the way he did. I once got lost in the woods on the Lewiston side of the bridge for four hours in search of his handy work. And then he’d taunt me with cryptic clues – a cleverly worded note here, a package of flag pencils there. . . . Goods times. I never did get my Monkey-Man Hybrid Flag-Flier story and a sweet Pulitzer, but I DID get poison ivy in a very delicate spot. Worth it!

I totally have the legs for it

So, I went to the E.L.H.S. football home opener and somehow missed it when some girl in a gorilla suit ran onto the field, only to get plowed over by a defensive back. Now that I look back on it, the gorilla incident must have happened while I was in the locker room changing into my cheerleader outfit. I miss more cool stuff that way.

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