I’ll have what he’s having

I was sent out the other day for a report of somebody engaging in a sexual act in the area of Luiggi’s Pizzeria in Lewiston. I didn’t find anything up there, but you can understand how this kind of thing would happen. I mean, have you ever HAD a Fergi?

Baby, you’re a firework

Somebody set off fireworks so close to my car on Pine Street in Lewiston the other night, I think I wet YOUR pants.

Mind your beeswax

Bet you want to know what I was doing on Pine Street in the middle of the night, don’t you? Wait, did I even say it was the middle of the night? Let’s just forget I ever brought this up.

Clowns . . .

Several of you have gotten the impression that I’m afraid of clowns. I know this because since this whole national clown scare got underway a few week ago, several of you have sent in a variety of clown items in hopes of making me soil myself. Nice try, funny people! I’m not afraid of clowns at all – it’s ice cream trucks I have a problem with. Clowns are just sort of silly – have you seen the receding hairline on that “It” character? Dude looks like Red Foreman. Ice cream trucks, on the other hand, those come straight out of hell and I want nothing to do with them.

Clowns . . .

With this phenomenon showing up pretty much everywhere, I think we have no choice but to ban bicycle horns, bulbous noses and flowers that squirt water. Which would probably do about as much to thwart violence as Question 3, by the way.

And more clowns

Somebody suggested – it might have been me – that one of our reporters should toss on a clown outfit and walk through Lewiston’s Kennedy Park to see how the locals react. If only we had a reporter here stupid enough to do something like this.

A gas leak irony

The morning after an armed woman chased off a clown in Auburn with her 9 mm, fire and utility crews were called out for a report of a smell of gas. How can these two things not be related? I mean, I’m betting that clown was really, REALLY scared.

Yuuuge news!

Young Eric Trump came to Auburn, exciting conservatives and celebrity watchers alike. I wish I had some insightful observations for you here, but until I heard about this visit, I had no idea that Eric Trump existed. I’ll tell you this, though. Look up “politician’s son” in the dictionary and you’ll find a photo of this dude. The fellow makes Al Gore look laid back.

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