Blink dance

Yes! Perhaps in response to my nightly prayers and/or profane utterances, the city has decided to put the traffic light at Bates and Pine streets in Lewiston on blink mode. The way it should be.

Blink dance canceled

And because I celebrated so soon and so animatedly, the city has now turned the lights black to solid reds, yellows and greens. The wait at that intersection is again three hours per red light. Thanks for nothing, traffic engineering yahoos. Place profane utterance here.

In the bag

If you’re a skinflint like myself and you’ve been using grocery store bags in place of garbage bags for household refuse, be advised that the bags from a leading local grocery store — no, you have to find out just like I did — are designed to rip down the middle the very second you get home. Also be advised that I just used “bags” thrice in one sentence. I’ve got mad skills.

Bill O’Reilly

Has been canned. Sent packing. Handed his walking papers. Given the boot. I really have no opinion on this matter. I just felt like uttering a string of cliches to gobble up column space. To heck with it, we’re going to do it live!!

Bill O’Reilly PS

If you don’t know what the “do it live” rant is all about, you really need to spend more time on YouTube. Foul language warning. Not from me, from O’Reilly. And me.

Wife used to swinging free now feels one string attached

This is a real headline from Wednesday’s online SJ. I didn’t click the link for fear of setting off the censor alarms, like that time I accidentally clicked that link on Pornhub. How was I supposed to know what would be there?

Name sought for combined Lewiston-Auburn

What? I thought we settled this. According to my exhaustive poll, for which I still have not been paid in candy as requested, the name of the new mega city should be “Andropolis,” with the backup name “Lewenstein” in case “Andropolis” has been trademarked by some fruit company or whatever. Maybe we should just avoid controversy and use a symbol to designate the new city instead of a name. “Welcome to alt+£,” our sign will say. “Home of ž.”

Intruder throws bag of marijuana

Hey, maybe this fellow is simply the underworld version of the Easter bunny. Instead of flinging around painted eggs and chocolate, he hurls a bag of weed your way. I’m intrigued. I would like to invite the ganja bunny to stop by my place sometime, preferably on a Saturday evening while I’m kicking back and watching “MXC” reruns. Duuuuuude. Did you see that skinny guy fall on his head?

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