Scratch that

Saw a shirtless man in a big hat the other day treating himself to what appeared to be a tick check on Pine Street in Lewiston. I suppose he could have been giving himself the once over for other reasons, but since it’s Pine Street, I’d rather not speculate.

Crime and pewnishment

In Lewiston last week, it was reported that someone had dumped a refrigerator on the side of Randall Road. That kind of reckless litterbugging seems to call for specialized punishment. Like, when the culprit is convicted, let’s fill his (or her) home fridge with milk and cheese, meat and cabbage and then pull the plug on the hottest day of summer.

When Pooh meets White Fang

Every time Animal Control Stud Rich Burton gets to rounding up wayward animals, it’s a Jack London-style adventure. This week, Burton had to crawl into the muck and mire beneath a dumpster to rescue a raccoon who had become stuck like some Winnie the Pooh character with fangs and claws. What followed was an hourlong brawl that left Burton sweaty, scratched and probably not smelling so great. The raccoon was saved, but you get the feeling that critter would still like to go another round with Burton just for street cred. I hear that when the animal was released into the woods of Durham, it turned, grinned and flipped up a middle finger before scampering off in the wilderness. The romantic side of me believes that these two will tangle again, but in the end will become lifelong friends. Or something.

OC Blast with sprinkles

Early in the week, a brawl was reported at the Dairy Joy in Auburn, with pepper spray being unleashed by at least one combatant. Sad times when a trip for a cone turns into a melee, but its summertime and sometimes you have to fight for your right to parfait. Or something.

Five-finger discount at Marden’s

Thieves reportedly made off with a laptop and jewelry at the discount store and now they have their mugs plastered all over social media and they’ll likely be arrested and sent to jail where they’ll be plagued by strange and terrible dreams of Birdie Googins. Dudes, you should have just bought it when you saw it.

Birdie Googins

What? You really don’t know who she is? Google it and then we’ll get you signed up for the fan club. Of which I’m president. Because, reasons.

Wandering tots

In Lewiston, a pair of kids were rounded up after sneaking out of the house while their pa was sleeping. You know, I made spectacular escapes when I was a tot, myself. Just about every time, they’d eventually track me down having baths with neighbor girls. Never made the news, though. Too bad. That would have bolstered my street cred even more than the sweet Big Wheel.

Days gone by

Had a conversation with a veteran LPD cop the other day who pointed out the many dramas I’d failed to mention in my column about 1995 mayhem in Lewiston. A missing high school football star, the beating murder of a lottery winner at a Lisbon Street motel, and a hotel owner who got caught taking pictures of young girls after he dropped his film off for developing at the Rite Aid, among them. Seriously, 1995 was loony.

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