I never thought it would happen to me

Well, it finally happened. On Wednesday, I was assigned to write an obituary feature and a weather story on the same day. In news reporter circles, that’s known as a … Well, it’s not really known as anything, because reporters who get hit with that kind of cruel double kick-in-the-pants tend to quit and become sheep farmers or something. If any of you have a sheep farm for sale, hit me up. Or even an ant farm.

Can someone call Santa a cab?

I got a very nice Christmas card the other day with the following message: “I almost forgot you. Can you imagine, the tragic effects that would have happened if you didn’t get a Christmas card?” The card was signed from Santa. This must be the drunk version of Santa I spotted that one time down at Victor News swearing over a stack of lottery scratchers. Once the new year comes, I think it’s intervention time for old Saint Nick.

I ain’t eatin’ that

So, according to a official study of some sort, when it comes to online searches, Mainers prefer stuffing over any other Thanksgiving menu item. Count your blessings: in New Hampshire, it’s Brussels sprouts. Ew, right? Can you even imagine living there?

None for me, thanks

There are a handful of states where “green bean casserole” was most heavily searched. I didn’t even know green bean casserole was a thing and now that I know it, my appetite is utterly ruined. What is WRONG with you people?

Don’t eat the Romaine lettuce

By telling me not to eat it, you’re making me WANT to eat it. It’s like a double dog dare or something. And this is no small matter, since I haven’t eaten a salad since 1983.

Okay, strike that

I went to look at lettuce in the grocery store. Can somebody tell me why we need so many different kinds of lettuce? I mean, doesn’t it all come from the same animal?

Fa la la la, what now?

I’m both shocked and astonished — I’m shocktonished — to have discovered a Christmas song that I actually like, and one I will actually listen to even in November. It was written by Portland playwright Brian Daly and sung by Amy Torrey, whose voice — let’s face it — just sounds like Christmas. It’s called “This Time of Year” and can be found here. Of course, if you’re reading this in the newspaper, that link ain’t going to work, now is it? No sweat. Just call me and I’ll sing it to you. I have the voice of an angel, you know.

It’s my toy and I ain’t sharing

Was it something big like a Huffy bicycle, a Tonka truck or Rock ’em, Sock ’em Robots? Or something small and meaningful, like a doll, a hand-knit sweater or an engraved necklace? Almost everyone remembers that one special Christmas gift from childhood — a time when Santa was real and anything was possible once the tree went up in the living room. Whether it was Stretch Armstrong, a hula hoop or something your Pa carved with his own two hands, we’d like to hear about your favorite Christmas gift from childhood. Send your tales of holiday magic to Mark LaFlamme at [email protected]

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