Fight for your right to nude up

While advising a police officer out on a routine call at the start of the week, an emergency dispatcher passed along that the homeowner “believes it’s her right to answer her door unclothed.” She’s right, too. Why, the Second Amendment alone addresses “bare arms” and I think if you read the rest of the Bill of Rights carefully, you’ll see something about jiggly buttocks in there, as well.

Dunkin Donut data breach

Oooh, that sounds good. Is that the one with maple syrup?

Meanwhile, at Starbucks

Company officials have announced that they will start blocking porn over the store Wi-Fi. I have a good 12 things to say about this, but not a one of them will make it past the editor, so you’re on your own here. Have fun with it!

Another November record

Before the month was even over, I’d already seen at least three news stories about holiday thefts that used the word “Grinch” in the headline. I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you that I will never, ever refer to his Grinchliness in any story I write about the theft of Christmas trees, lawn ornaments, reindeer or fruitcake. I consider it the lowest of all low-hanging fruit and I won’t have it, sir. Any reporter or editor who goes the Grinch route in a headline or story should be forced to spend the day with crushed ribbon candy in his underpants.

Mark LaFlamme, astronaut

So, for the new Sun Journal content management thingamaroon, each reporter was asked to write a fresh bio so the readers will know who we are and where we come from. This is a great opportunity to finally let you folks know that before I came to work at the paper, I was Jacques Cousteau’s cook, a security guard at the Sistine Chapel and a proud member of the Romanov family. Of course, all that was after my sea monkey circus show fell apart and left my life in shambles.

You can see those too, right?

On Webster Street in Lewiston, there’s a house decorated by Christmas lights that sort of float around in the air like fireflies. I don’t see wires anywhere, the lights are just up there hovering. At least I hope those are Christmas lights. When I first saw them, I HAD hit my head pretty hard during a fight with a snowman.