So, now what?

So, I’ve been on vacation for a week and once again, I’ve completely forgotten how to write Talk of the Town. Is this a space for quiet reflection and somber discussions about the important matters of the day? Am I supposed to write sonnets in here so that we may explore the inner feelings evoked by the verses? Is Talk of the Town an advice column? If so, fire away with your problems, bro, because I’m prepared to solve them. I’ve got mad life skills.

The sun fake

This is what I call that miserable trick from Mom Nature wherein you crawl out of bed, see bright sunlight outside the window, and assume that it’s a warm, spring day out there. It’s not a warm spring day, just so you know. It’s actually below freezing and the wind is howling over the crouching snowbanks that just won’t go away. Mom Nature is a whiz at presentation, but she’s a wretched failure at execution.

Got junk?

I forget. Do we still do the whole anything-goes junk pickup in Lewiston and Auburn now that spring is here? The one where you can put any old thing out on the curb, no matter how big, unwieldy or embarrassing, and obedient city crews will come by to pick it up? I always loved the springtime junk-o-thon, or whatever they called it. It was a fine time to behold the tattered remnants of your woebegone life all in one overflowing heap. That Bowflex you were going to use to restore your Adonis-like physique? Haul it to the curb — assuming you can lift it, Tubby. The treadmill your kids begged you to buy for them before they decided that video games were way better than actually going outside? Haul it away and your zombified offspring won’t even notice. The water bed you hoped would put the old spark back in your marriage? All that splishing and splashing ain’t much fun since the divorce, huh? Out it goes. On second, though, wait. Can I have the water bed?

Happy holidays!

I got a message from a nice woman who wanted me to pass along two important pieces of information. First, the woman advises me, it is now April. If you still have a Christmas tree on display, you should take it down. She means you. Also, the lady reminds readers that Flag Day is coming up so … I don’t know, put up your flags or something. She gave me no advice on Easter, so I have no idea what to do with these bunny ears.