The last time Shopping Siren was in an Agren store, only Dick Tracy had a smartwatch, the Red Sox were still trying to break the curse and “A Game of Thrones” was a book. Just one book in the series titled “A Song of Ice and Fire.”

So, yeah. It’s been a minute.

Which is why I decided it was time to go back.

Plus, I hear appliances can, like, talk now? Or connect to the internet? Or alert you to the fact that you’re out of ice cream and also you shouldn’t be eating ice cream for breakfast and why are you adding sprinkles??

Today’s appliances sound awfully judgy.

Agren, happily, is not judgy. It has six locations, including stores in Auburn, Bridgton, Norway and Topsham, and it doesn’t care which one you go to — though some locations have items that others don’t, just FYI. The Auburn store, for example, has appliances and mattresses, but it doesn’t have the furniture that Norway has. However, an Auburn associate said such things can be sent over. Or you can always shop Agren online, where an associate can help you — still not judging! — via text.

It’s all very person-focused and friendly.

So not at all like “Game of Thrones.”

• LG Smart Wi-Fi Enabled InstaView Door-in-Door refrigerator, 30 cubic feet, $2,898

Gone are the days when an ice-maker was the height of refrigerator technology. This stainless steel fridge lets you see what’s inside without opening the door, pings your smartphone when the door’s been left open and works with Google Assistant and Amazon’s Alexa. Also, it probably keeps food cold? I’m not sure how it does any of this. I assume magic.

Note: There are some small rebates on some appliances right now — like $50 for this $2,900 refrigerator — but July 4 is a big sale time for Agren, according to the Auburn associate. So if you can wait a month to buy your new smartfridge, you might save some money.

LG Smart Wi-Fi Enabled InstaView Door-in-Door refrigerator at Agren for $2,898, when you want a fridge that’s as smart as your phone.

• JennAir black floating glass microwave, 1,000 watts, $999

Luxury over-the-range microwave with built-in ventilation system and a sensor that adjusts the cooking time on its own. That’s great and all, but what I can’t emphasize enough is how sleek and cool-looking this thing is. Like, if Lamborghini dropped out of the temperamental world of sports cars and instead decided to pick up steady work designing kitchen appliances, this would be its microwave.

• Weber Spirit II E-310 gas grill, $449.99

Little gas grill with three burners, two side tables and some tool hooks for hanging your long-handled fork and basting brush. No Wi-Fi or smartphone-enabled technology here! Just a good old-fashioned grill. In red. Like Iron Man. Be sure to point that out to everyone who comes over for a barbecue.

• Signature Design By Ashley area rug, $60

A 52- by 81-inch rug with a blue, black, gray and white chevron pattern. Nicely modern without being over the top. Also, based on the image online, it looks like it would hide dirt well. Really well. You could probably lose the contents of a full sandbox on this rug and no one would be the wiser. Maybe get two.

• Signature Design by Ashley metal table lamp, $40

Foot-and-a-half-tall metal table lamp with a gold finish. All that’s nice, but what sets this lamp apart at Agren online is its shade. Its shade covered in multi-colored sequins. This is as fabulous as a lamp can get.

Best find: bedMATCH, free

Lie down on a special mattress in the Auburn store for a few minutes and a computer will analyze your pressure points and body type and will tell you which mattresses would work best for you. And holy cow, this thing works. I tried it and it pointed me toward the most comfortable mattress I’ve ever lain on in my life. Granted, the bed cost more than $3,000. But there were other, less expensive mattresses that bedMATCH said I’d also like, and it was right about that too. If you’re in the market for a new bed, it’s definitely worth checking out. If you’re not in the market for a new bed, you will be if you try this.

Think twice: Ashley Sleep cooling pillow, $374

This feels like a lot of money for a pillow, especially considering I last bought two for $20. I’m sure this is a very nice pillow! I’m sure it does its job, you know, as a place to rest your head. And it cools. Or something. But for almost $400 you could buy a ton of regular pillows. An entire pool of pillows! So maybe skip this one and put the money toward something else.

I’m currently taking donations toward a $3,000 mattress.

Shopping Siren’s true identity is protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who want ice cream for every meal) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach her at [email protected].


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