Spring forward
Some wizard of math and astronomical calculations just alerted me that daylight savings is less than a month away. We are that close to springing forward, my friends, and ain’t that an injection of hope in the buttocks of winter despair! What does it all mean? Nothing, really? I just wanted to use that “injection of hope” line.

Water leak at Lewiston City Hall
Dear me! I sure hope the water didn’t totally destroy important documents related to parking ticket violators. That would be dreadful – just DREADFUL! I mean, here I just totally paid my tickets in full and so I have a zero balance now. Honestly, I do. No need to sift through all those soggy records. Just take my word for it.

Water leak at Lewiston City Hall part deux
Heavens to Besty! I sure hope the water didn’t totally destroy important documents related to vehicle registration. That would be awful – just AWFUL! I mean, here I just totally registered both my truck and motorcycle so I’m all paid up for a year. Honestly, I am. No need to sift through all the . . . Ah, you know the drill. Just hook me up with some more of those little stickers for my plates, will you? They were apparently lost in the deluge.

Augusta man charged with drunken lawnmower ride
Hey, people express their impatience for spring in different ways. If you’re going to do this kind of thing, at least do it responsibly. Me, I just strip down to the bikini briefs and take the mower out into the backyard where no one gets hurt. I may have caused a squirrel or two to faint, but that’s as bad as it got.

Love is in the air
So for Valentine’s Day this year, I thought it would be fun to dress up as Cupid and wander around downtown Lewiston spreading love and good cheer. It was fun for about six minutes, after which my complete rig was stolen, including wings, arrow and diaper. I didn’t even get to shoot anyone with my spear of amour. Now I’ve got to go prowl the pawn shops asking if anyone has seen my “accouterments of love.” I’m sure that won’t lead to any misunderstandings at all.

That’s a wrap
And speaking of weird holiday/spring fever celebrations, in Lewiston on Wednesday, a dude broke into somebody’s porch in order to steal a couple tubes of wrapping paper. What did he want the wrapping paper for? To wrap an exotic gift for his lady? Nossir, not this guy. As soon as he had the paper in hand, he immediately shredded it and used the stuff as confetti up and down East Avenue. Didn’t last long, though. The cops found the culprit pretty quick, in as much as he had left his jacket and wallet on the porch he stole from. Happy Terrible Jailhouse Story Day, my friend! Bet your buds on the cell block will enjoy this one.

Only subscribers are eligible to post comments. Please subscribe or to participate in the conversation. Here’s why.

Use the form below to reset your password. When you've submitted your account email, we will send an email with a reset code.

filed under: