A fungus among us
Got a message in my spam folder the other day with a subject line that advises: “Do this to make fungus disappear.” Typically, I’d snort at such an email and then delete it forever. These days, though . . . Well, I’ve been sitting around doing a whole lot of nothing lately and, let’s face it. Fungus appears. If there’s a way to make it magically disappear, brother, I’m all in.

Never mind
The email actually instructed, “Take a shower, you lazy fool.” Who has time for such an advanced procedure these days? Delete.

Tigers and tigers and tigers, oh my!
Tigers. Everywhere I look, people are talking about tigers. Everywhere you turn there’s some damnable meme about tigers and how much they tend to cost. I couldn’t get my mind around it, but then I discovered that it’s all a reaction to some new Netflix show called “Tiger Kings.” I watched about three seconds of the trailer and decided, nope. Not gonna do it. Tigers are cool and all, but I get a very strong feeling that the beasts are only bit players in this weird human drama. Ain’t nobody got time for that, especially when he’s got fungus growing in all these weird places.

Well, huh
Been having trouble writing this column lately. Until only recently, I never realized how much of the babble I jot down here is based on stuff I see at the grocery stores. I don’t go to the stores so much anymore and when I do, I’m too busy stifling sneezes to pay attention to weird stuff people are doing.

Forget I said that
Not that I’ve been sneezing, mind you. Nossir, not me. Haven’t sneezed since the lamentable paprika incident of 2005. Just put that phone down, mister, and go your own way. You didn’t see NOTHING.

Zoom!
Had my first Zoom meeting the other day. You know I don’t like to toot my own horn (I like to toot someone ELSE’S horn, frankly) but I’m confident in saying I was pretty great out there. Sat rigidly in my chair and nodded whenever one of the speakers made a point. Made darn sure there was no mirror behind me to reveal the truth of my situation. Never once attempted to bring my tablet into the bathroom or anything embarrassing like that. Almost sneezed at one point, but jammed two No. 2 pencils up my nose to subdue it. Unfortunately, I inserted them eraser-first and accidentally erased a few memories in the process. It happens. I got through the meeting, but now I can’t remember my email password. Is it “T-I-G-E-R?”


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