Dollars and sense

Oh, this is rich. Ever since I wrote a story about some local folks who received their stimulus checks in unsealed envelopes, I’ve been getting emails from people who want MY advice about their own financials. How should they go about inquiring about the status of their checks? How should they proceed in attempting to navigate the government website? Once their checks arrived, how should it be best invested for long-term growth? OK, nobody actually asked me that last one, but it was getting uncomfortably close and I gotta tell you. You’d be better off asking a dog or — I don’t know — an old boot for advice on finance or the workings of government bureaucracy. Both of those things confound me. Long-term growth? That’s something to do with armpit hair, ain’t it?

And speaking of financial mischief

Some schmuck, clearly not knowing what he or she was getting into, attempted to steal my identity by applying for unemployment with my Social Security number. Fool! So, you want to be me, do you? You won’t last a day. If you take over my identity, you also have to take the voices in my head. Good luck with that. Next thing you know, you’re broke as hell and writing two babbling columns each week. It ain’t easy, bro.

Gamestank

For nearly two weeks now, we’ve been hearing over and over about the short sellers who got utterly screwed by some shrewd amateur stock traders on Reddit. It’s all very interesting, probably, but I’ll never understand why the physical height of the sellers has anything to do with anything.

Parumpadumdum

So, to go with last week’s column, some clever fool Photoshopped my face onto Bernie Sanders sitting in his stupid chair with his stupid mittens. Ha ha, I say, and yuck yuck. If you’re going to slap my face onto someone else’s form, can you at least make it of someone I can relate to? John Bonham would be nice. And I’m not talking about Mr. John Bonham Jr. who runs that yarn store over in Leeds. I’m talking Bonzo! (If you have to look that up, just forget about it.)

Why am I talking like this?

Had a conversation with a local chap the other day who said he’s been reading my stuff for decades. Said he had always imagined that my voice would be higher, for some reason, and just couldn’t mask his disappointment. The dude has a point, really. I SHOULD be talking in a higher voice. With that in mind, don’t be alarmed if you see me strutting around in coming days sucking on helium balloons any time I need to have a conversation. This is going to be a fun week!

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