It’s happening again
It’s my fault. I let my guard down. Once the chocolate graham crackers began to appear on store shelves again, I thought the crisis was over. But it’s not. Went to the Hannaford the other day to get a couple boxes and there they were, gone! Completely depleted! The regular, boring graham crackers were there in abundance, but the chocolate stuff? Nah, bro. Not a trace. It’s bigger than all of us.

Also, sausages
As far as I can recall, I’ve never bought so much as a single sausage my entire life. But I had a hankering the other night (don’t judge me) so I went on down to the marketplace to pick up a box. Or a package, or a bushel — I have no idea in what form sausages are sold. Moot, anyway because the shelves where sausages live at the grocery store were completely empty. Wiped out, they were, and this is particularly unnerving. Whomever is out there snatching up all the food I like is now reading my mind, gobbling up food items I don’t even know I want yet.  It’s very “Minority Report.” Probably. I haven’t seen the movie.

I have the power
Maybe I should experiment a little and determine if my personal cravings really ARE inspiring these shortages. “I have a POWERFUL craving for green peppers, by golly. I sure hope the stores have them.” There, that oughta do it. The beautiful thing about this scheme is, if green peppers suddenly vanish from the coolers, who cares? Those things are naaaasty. I wouldn’t touch a green pepper with YOUR lips.

Farewell, ol’ pal
As far as I remember, I never blew a press deadline in all my years here. I blew the very last one, though. The press rolled for the last time on Park Street in Lewiston Monday night. I thought it was happening Tuesday night, so I completely missed it. While the cogs and rods and spinners were whirring for the very last time, all those familiar smells and sounds filling that awesome building, I was home watching “Homeland” or some dang thing. My shame and regret are great. Feels like I skipped a funeral for a very good friend. It’s probably for the best, though. If you weep in front of a press crew, you get branded as a weeper for life.

The power of the pole compels you
While I was on vacation, Walmart apparently changed the color of its SUV-eating parking poles from yellow to green. Brilliant! Unfortunately, the very day those green poles went up, some lead-footed parking enthusiast slammed right into one. I’m starting to suspect that this whole thing is one big psychological experiment. Not just the poles, now that I think of it, but the whole Walmart experience.


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