First one is free
Saw a bumper sticker the other day that advised me to “give old folks hugs and drugs.” I wasn’t really sure what it meant so I just went ahead and sold my mother some weed.

Target store opening in November
Sure. Sure it is. We all know how this goes. It’ll be getting late in October and we’ll all be hopping up and down like we have to pee because it’s so exciting to have a Walmart alternative. Then we’ll get a press release advising us that “the opening date has been delayed because, reasons. Business-type reasons that you wouldn’t understand. But we’ll open in January, you have our word. Thank you for hopping up and down like you have to pee and we look forward to serving you.”

Man, oh man…
By the way, did you like my fictional press release above? Genius. Somebody ought to be paying me to write these things. I really know how to connect with you people. And by “you people,” I mean “half-mad drunkards who stumbled upon this column by accident while making underpants out of the newspaper.”

Pickles Mcbutterpants The Muffins Slayer
This is the name of an award-winning cat in Gardiner.  It’s a nice name and all — it’s vaguely dirty if you think about it just right — but frankly, I don’t know why anybody bothers. No matter the name, ain’t a cat in this world that’s going to come when you call him.

Weeeeeoooo, weeeeeoooo!
The town of Turner is selling two surplus fire trucks. I must have these. I must have them because I’m sick of driving around in a car with my head out the window going weeeeeeoooo, weeeeeoooo whenever I head to a fire scene. (I have a different siren sound altogether when I’m a police car.)

You make my pants wanna get up and dance
Was riding my motorcycle around town the other day when I saw a pair of jeans that appeared to be dancing as they dangled from a clothes line. I mean, those dungarees were downright boogieing and they had rhythm, too. It should have been a funny scene, but it wasn’t. It was scary. Everywhere I rode that day, I kept expecting to look over my shoulder and see those denims dancing after me. It happened to a guy I know.

Happy Easter
Here’s a holiday tip for those of you with kids: Scramble your eggs before you hide them. It makes it much easier to squeeze the eggs into super secret places, such as inside a bees nest or in your next door neighbor’s mail slot. I’m hiding scrambled eggs in each of my boots as we speak. Feels delightful.

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