Duck!
So, I was happily riding my motorcycle out in the boonies of Minot, or possibly Buckfield, when I spotted two huge ducks at the side of the road. Now, you may think of ducks as innocuous creatures, but when you’re doing 55 on a bike, you definitely don’t want Daffy and co. waddling out in front of you. That’s NOT how you want to enjoy a serving of confit de canard, man. So, I slowed to 40. Then 30. Then down to 15. I was pretty much at a walking pace, waiting for those stupid quackers to make up their minds about things, when I got close enough to look them in their beady little eyes. Beady little PLASTIC eyes, that is. These weren’t ducks at all but ##@!!#! lawn ornaments. That whole scene was more embarrassing than the time I thought I was being attacked by pink flamingos.

None for me, thanks
I have no idea what confit de canard is. Had to Google it. Sounds gross.

Eight legs, no waiting
It was around this time last year when I experienced The Incident involving the spider in my riding goggles. You remember The Incident: the screaming, the fire hydrant, the roadside embarrassment as I tore off my goggles, helmet and pretty much every other stitch of clothing just to be safe (that part was actually fun). You may scoff at me all you like, but that arachnid, creeping at the very edge of my eyeball, was roughly the size of a 1998 Dodge Neon with modified muffler. These days, my pre-ride goggle check takes three hours and a crew of four.

Pam and Tommy
I’m a bit shamed to admit that I watched this show on Hulu; a show about the many splendid adventures of Pamela Anderson and her drummer husband Tommy Lee. I’m even more shamed to admit that I liked it. Liked it quite a lot, in fact. All in all, I’d say this is the second best show ever made about the celebrity couple.

It’s over, man
I’ve been ruminating lately on the very nature of summer and when, exactly, it’s over. Is it on Labor Day, when all the out-of-state yahoos roll their cars and campers away? Is it when the wretched back-to-school signs go up? When the buses start rolling again? When you have to turn your heater on for the first time? When the first traitor tree leaf turns from green to bright red? When you first spot a pumpkin on some fool’s doorstep? Is it Sept. 21, when the calendar makes it official? When you have to put on long pants just to go out and fetch the mail? It’s all very depressing and I apologize. My OnlyFans page is a real bummer this time of year.

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