Talk of the Town 26

Talk of the Town  Ernie Anderson

Not so itsy bitsy
Well, it finally happened. I walked face first into my first spider web of the year. Oh, the sounds that came out of me that day. This web was masterfully spun, damn near invisible, between some posts at the back of the house. I fell for this as I always do this time of year, barreling straight into the sucker and feeling a whole network of web strands stretching stickily across my face as I went. But as unpleasant as that sensation is, it’s not the worst. For me, the worst is wondering just where in blazes the web’s occupant has landed. In my hair? Down my shirt? Though I imagine the creeping, fanged arachnid is probably the size of a door knob, he still could be anywhere! And so, in the mid-afternoon of Oct. 15, I engaged in the yearly ritual of yanking off all my clothes in the backyard and snatching myself bald so the spider couldn’t do it for me. All of this took less than three seconds, a new best for me.

Peak foliage
If you want to see the best foliage this year, come on over to my place and have a look at my boots. Ever since that big wind storm a week or so ago, no matter where I go, a thousand wet, adhesive (but pretty) leaves get stuck to the bottom of my Wolverines and I end up dropping them all over the house. When I spot them later, they look like giant bugs and I go on another little freak-out, yanking off my clothes again and snatching myself balder. Sometimes I think I just LIKE being naked and hairless.

Lisbon High School: Now with more midriff!
So at Lisbon High School, a moderate amount of midriff will be allowed among the student body. Two to three fingers worth, according to the new policy. I have some questions. Like, who is in charge of measuring midriff in the school? Is there some kind of gauge used to measure it, and will some frantic alarm sound if an inappropriate amount of midriff is detected? These students should at least be thankful it’s not the ’80s. Back then, it wasn’t the girls going around in half shirts, it was the boys. Def Leppard rules, man! OK, sound the alarm.

Brevity is
So, I’m always scanning the estimated eight trillion campaign signs that are up in the Twin Cities in search of funny names. Boy, I miss the days when that Coffin fellow was running for something. We had a lot of fun with that, Mr. Coffin and I. So far, the only interesting sign I’ve seen said simply “Sam.” Maybe I missed something and there was more to it than that, but I like the idea of a guy named Sam running for something and just tossing his name out there and hoping you’ll infer the rest. I mean, the dude’s name is Sam! To me, the man must be humble, hardworking and not opposed to an off-color joke now and then. The kind of man you can have a beer with. Damn, but I like this guy more all the time. Vote Sam!

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