Two-fisted generosity
Over the holidays, a nice lady sent me a meat pie and some party mix just out of the kindness of her heart. It was the kind of Christmas grub you PLAN to share with your co-workers but then you find yourself huddled in a bathroom stall, using both hands to stuff that pie in your mouth before anyone finds out about it. It was really good, I’m saying. In my defense, I think there are still a few crumbs down there beneath the urinals if anyone’s still hungry.

Torch your hair
I was actually going to report that the nice lady mentioned above had sent me a tourtiere pie, but then I’d have to go through the trouble of spelling tourtiere correctly when even spellcheck doesn’t recognize the word. Who needs it? In the history of pie, nobody has correctly spelled tourtiere correctly on the first try.

Guy tries to steal fire truck in Auburn
I had really hoped to get an interview with this guy, because man, I’m just dying to know what he planned to do with that truck if he got away with it. If he was doing it to impress a date you can kind of get behind it, I guess, but if you do that, you better have a clever pickup line to go with it: “Baby, I’m on fire for you and even this Pierce Ascendant with heavy-duty aerial ladder, 500-pound tip load and TAK4 suspension ain’t enough to douse those flames.” Say, that’s pretty good. Maybe that guy WASN’T just a drunken knucklehead with no plan at all.

I can quit any time I want
So, after years of running around with my chest all puffed out, bragging about how I never catch colds or flues, I got hammered with some noxious bug that’s had its way with me for a week and a half now. I don’t know where this dose of ick came from exactly, but I’m pretty sure that by the end of it, I’m going to have to check myself into rehab soon to get weaned off the Alka Seltzer Plus. I don’t think I’m the only one, either. Check out the pharmacy section at any store and you’ll find that the cheap, generic versions of the stuff are all sold out. You either pay ridiculous prices for the brand stuff or you find yourself out in Kennedy Park in the wee hours going: “Psss, hey buddy. Got any fizz?” Happened to a guy I know.

I’m still on fire
Or how about: “Hey, baby. I’m on fire for you and even this America LaFrance pumper with Mack chassis, multi-function valve controllers and 30 gallons of non-recirculating Husky 3 foam ain’t enough to put it out.” It’s shorter but still gets the job done. Probably.