Pole position
It’s a marvel to me that nobody yet has rigged up a 24-hour streaming camera next to Walmart’s famous car-eating pole. I mean, Pole-the-Ripper took down two more trucks this week alone in its ongoing murderous rampage. There were plenty of photos of the carnage, sure, but how illuminating it would be to see the mayhem as-it-happens, in real time. That would allow us to examine each crash frame by frame in a studious, scientific manner and perhaps to generate enough real insights into the matter that we might collectively produce a solution. Or, you know. We could just sit in our living rooms and laugh so hard at the suckers who fall prey to the pole that we might just wet ourselves a little. That works, too.

The scary Chinese spy balloon
It’s a pity that controversial and mysterious dirigible never made it up our way. Why, fly that sucker over Lewiston on a given night and problem solved, boys. I calculate the odds of the balloon getting shot out of the sky during a shoot-out at 100 percent. At which point, the mangled balloon will deny knowing who shot him and refuse to talk to the police at all.

It’s all in the game
OK, maybe I exaggerate the frequency of Lewiston gunplay a skosh, but gee willikers, fellas. Early Wednesday morning, around 1 a.m., I and many others were rattled out of our solemn meditations by back-to-back volleys of what sounded quite a lot like gunfire. You know things are bad when you’re watching “The Wire” yet the gunfire outside your window drowns out the gunfire on your TV. If they don’t catch that Omar soon, things are going to get real nasty. (If you don’t get that line, go watch “The Wire,” for God’s sake. It’s been on for 20 years!)

I HEART Mr. Drew (so please, don’t hurt me)
Mr. Drew and His Animals Too is planning a Jurassic Jubilee Weekend this spring, which will feature the cousins of dinosaurs and other cool critters from Drew’s awesome menagerie. I was going to crack a joke about how Drew is going to accidentally unleash a rampaging herd of dinos in downtown Lewiston, but every time I rib the guy, his legions of fans misunderstand and I have to go into hiding for a week. Just go check out his show Saturday, June 3, or I’m gonna get a beat down.

Dinosaurs unleashed! (Here’s why that’s a good thing)
Of course if Mr. Drew DOES accidentally unleash a rampaging herd of dinosaurs, he should direct a couple of them over to Auburn to take on that killer Walmart pole. Prehistoric beasts take on a modern predator! We better get that camera up soon so we can pay-per-view this showdown and make some big bucks.

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