Talk of the Town Ernie Anderson

On cats and kids

A nice lady this week sent me an email with a SEVERE SCOLDING for my choice of word in a story about the animal shelter. In said story, I used the verb “menace” to describe a child’s behavior toward cats and man, oh man. This lady, a devout cat-lover, was rolling up her sleeves and preparing to give me a beat down when I finally summoned some magic words. I didn’t mean to insult cats, I promised the angry woman. I was insulting children. And like that, we were friends and I avoided yet another whoopin’.

Who you callin’ old?

Also this week, a nice lady who appears to be in her mid-80s sent me a link, out of the blue, to a raucous 9 Inch Nails video. Back in my day, a gramma like this would pinch your cheeks and offer you a hard candy. These days, it’s all about the slammin’ beat of industrial rock, dawg. You want a Werther’s Original, get into the mosh pit and fight for it!

Getting steamed

In some online argument I was following for some reason the other day, one combatant told the other to “Clam down! Just clam down already!” This made me laugh like an idiot for about a half-hour. I think it was a simple typo, but I like the commandment so much, I think it should become a part of our everyday discourse. Judges on the bench ought to tell rowdy spectators to “clam down at once or I will clear this court!” Next time you’re getting lectured by a cop about your driving habits, tell the officer to “clam down and write the ticket already.” Bet he lets you go. Get back to me and relate how it went.

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Time’s a-wastin’

Last week I spent several days fretting over an Auburn City Council assignment I’d been cursed with by an editor who clearly wants me dead. For days, I fumed over the fact that I was going to have to end the work week by suffering through a meeting that was likely to go on for hours — for DAYS, knowing my luck. When the dreaded hour finally arrived, I grumpily tuned into the meeting, sneezed a single time and missed the entire thing. Over and done with in less than two minutes, the meeting was. I spent the rest of the night on the lookout for unicorns in Kennedy Park and mermaids in the canal because this was clearly a night of miracles.

Ew

Can you imagine what a Lewiston canal mermaid would look like?

Draw!

Cartoooonist Ernie Anderson has been doing such an incredible job illustrating these stupid columns of mine, I find myself wanting to blurt things out in here just so I can see what they’d look like in sketched form. LEWISTON CANAL MERMAID RIDING A UNICYCLE! You know, for instance.

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Mark LaFlamme, talk of the town
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