On cats and kids

A nice lady this week sent me an email with a SEVERE SCOLDING for my choice of word in a story about the animal shelter. In said story, I used the verb “menace” to describe a child’s behavior toward cats and man, oh man. This lady, a devout cat-lover, was rolling up her sleeves and preparing to give me a beat down when I finally summoned some magic words. I didn’t mean to insult cats, I promised the angry woman. I was insulting children. And like that, we were friends and I avoided yet another whoopin’.

Who you callin’ old?

Also this week, a nice lady who appears to be in her mid-80s sent me a link, out of the blue, to a raucous 9 Inch Nails video. Back in my day, a gramma like this would pinch your cheeks and offer you a hard candy. These days, it’s all about the slammin’ beat of industrial rock, dawg. You want a Werther’s Original, get into the mosh pit and fight for it!

Getting steamed

In some online argument I was following for some reason the other day, one combatant told the other to “Clam down! Just clam down already!” This made me laugh like an idiot for about a half-hour. I think it was a simple typo, but I like the commandment so much, I think it should become a part of our everyday discourse. Judges on the bench ought to tell rowdy spectators to “clam down at once or I will clear this court!” Next time you’re getting lectured by a cop about your driving habits, tell the officer to “clam down and write the ticket already.” Bet he lets you go. Get back to me and relate how it went.

Time’s a-wastin’

Last week I spent several days fretting over an Auburn City Council assignment I’d been cursed with by an editor who clearly wants me dead. For days, I fumed over the fact that I was going to have to end the work week by suffering through a meeting that was likely to go on for hours — for DAYS, knowing my luck. When the dreaded hour finally arrived, I grumpily tuned into the meeting, sneezed a single time and missed the entire thing. Over and done with in less than two minutes, the meeting was. I spent the rest of the night on the lookout for unicorns in Kennedy Park and mermaids in the canal because this was clearly a night of miracles.

Ew

Can you imagine what a Lewiston canal mermaid would look like?

Draw!

Cartoooonist Ernie Anderson has been doing such an incredible job illustrating these stupid columns of mine, I find myself wanting to blurt things out in here just so I can see what they’d look like in sketched form. LEWISTON CANAL MERMAID RIDING A UNICYCLE! You know, for instance.

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