At one with wildlife
While I was riding my motorcycle on a Central Avenue in Lewiston the other day, a duck flew up alongside me and I swear that quacker wanted to race. I scowled at him, he nodded his duck head and that was it. The race was on. It was pretty even Steven for a good quarter-mile but then I hit the traffic lights at East Avenue and had to stop while that dirty cheater just flew right over the intersection. It was a crooked way to win, in my book, but there are no hard feelings between Sir Quack and I. In fact, we’re going down the park later to beg for bread crumbs and then I thought we’d stop by the Blue Goose. Get it? Blue GOOSE? Ah, you just don’t get my highbrow wit.

Werther’s Original
After I made some kind of comment about old people and hard candy a couple weeks ago, a playful card of a reader sent me an envelope containing a single Werther’s Original. That’s a good one, playful card of a reader, but the joke’s on you. I popped that Werther’s in my mouth with no fear and at all and I really enjoyed it. Funny thing, though. After sucking that delicious candy down, I’ve had a weird desire to watch “Matlock” reruns, complain about young people and to go to bed at 6 p.m.

The price of an ice cream cone
Been hearing a lot of gripes lately about the price of a simple ice cream cone at the ice cream stands. “Can you believe what they’re getting for a @!!#$! cone these days?” is how those complaints generally come to me. But I mean, who didn’t see this coming? The waffle cone market has always been volatile and that bubble has to burst sooner or later. My advice is to invest in parfait and other precious dairy commodities and to keep it all under your mattress.

Burger King vs. Starbucks

One astute and possibly deranged reader wrote to advise me that once the new Starbucks goes in on Lisbon Street in Lewiston, they will immediately be in competition with Burger King next door for parking and drive-thru space. Turns out, that’s not quite true. But golly, I wish it was. That creepy king dude from BK squaring off with the long-haired Greek goddess that is the Starbucks mascot? There’s significant power on each side, so that one could have gone either way. Why, it’s almost as exciting a contest as that whole Me vs. Duck race of 2023.