My last winter in Maine!
So, our very first significant storm of the season dumped that “I’m coming, Elizabeth!” brand of heart attack snow all over us. You’d think for the first one, they could manage the light, fluffy stuff to ease us into it, but no. Gotta break our backs and our souls from the get-go. I did a lot of swearing as I cleaned up Monday, but I also repeated the same vow I’ve been making for 25 years now. This, I tell you, is my last winter in Maine! And I mean it this time. Come this time next year, I’ll be one of those annoying snow birds sending you infuriating photos from the Florida beaches. Lord, how I hate those people. It will be awesome to become one of them.

Winter wedgie
And then we got some intense cold along with everything else. It’s the time of year where half the people you meet are cranky and disagreeable because their long johns are bunched up in all the wrong places.

Eponymic greatness
Say, I wonder for whom the long john was named? What an honor, huh? It should have been me. I write about thermal underwear so much in wintertime, it seems like it should be known as the Bunchy Mark by now.

My healthy secret
Got this note in an email the other day. “We appreciate you for choosing Natural Pilates TV! Your monthly subscription plan will be activated and paid tomorrow.” Pilates, huh? I guess this explains why I suddenly find myself with the youthful vim and vigor of a teenager. Why, I feel ready to try out for the cheerleading squad!

Maine loon population dips for a second year, but the chicks are booming!
I really like this headline and I don’t know exactly why. I wonder if the mental images I get from it are the same as yours. Probably not, because I’m not a filthy-minded weirdo like you.

Christmas memories
It’s now been 15 years since my holiday worldview was demolished when I saw a drunken Santa Claus taking a whiz in the alley behind Victor News in Lewiston. I was OK when I saw him buying cheap tobacco and scratch-off tickets inside the store, but that alley action broke me.

Wolverines!
Here’s the news you’ve all been waiting for. I finally bought some new Wolverine boots, to replace the pair I’ve been wearing since 2009. Walking around in new boots is a trying affair. It changes your whole attitude and demeanor. If you run into me and I seem pompous and standoffish in coming days, it’s because these new treads, to me, have all the luster of an expensive pair of Italian dress shoes. Going to be tough doing pilates in these things, I’ll tell you that right now.

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