Talk of the Town Ernie Anderson

Pipe dream
I know municipal plumbing as been around at least since the Mayans put flush toilets in their pyramids, but it’s still a marvel to me that the original 130-year-old-pipe conveying drinking water from Lake Auburn into Lewiston runs UNDERNEATH the Androscoggin River. And now they’re going to lay a new pipe system that will zig and zag beneath the streets of both cities so that we can have a backup pipe and always be assured of clean water with which to wash ourselves. It’s just impressive, is all I’m saying. Of course, I’m a guy who can’t un-kink a simple garden hose, so maybe I’m just easily wowed.

Joint council
You may have noticed that last week, a cruel editor sent me to cover a joint meeting of the Lewiston and Auburn city councils. If my math is correct that’s TWICE as much politics as a regular council meeting so that’s a doubly heinous assignment, and to my surprise there weren’t even any actual joints offered up at the event to help ease my pain! Unless you count that guy in the windbreaker hanging around the parking lot, but I don’t think he had anything to do with the meeting.

Left turn, Clyde
And speaking of the joint-less council meeting, it was held at the Hilton Garden Inn in Auburn where I found a strange men’s room near the conference room. When you walk into it, your natural inclination is to bang a right off the entrance, but that right will lead you into some weird, empty space with not so much as a urinal or wall-mounted hand dryer. It’s just kind of an empty room and you’ll find yourself standing there thinking: “Is this where I’m supposed to . . . Should I just . . . Is this how they do public bathrooms now?” The answers to all those questions is no, but I had to find that out the hard way.

Straight flush
Hilton’s mystery men’s room is cool and all, but it still can’t compare to the old Androscoggin County Building with its floor-to-ceiling urinal on the second floor. That thing should be in a museum. Or, you know. My house.

Seasons bleatings
I have things to say about the weather, but I don’t want to jinx things by talking directly about the outgoing season directly so I’m going to play it safe and come at you Mad Libs style. Are you ready? You can DO this. “I just can’t believe how __ the __ has been. Why, we’ve had hardly any __ at all! And now that __ is almost over, I’m so happy I could __ my __!”

It’s bigger than all of us
I have to admit that I had no idea who Kate Middleton was until I went down the deep, dark rabbit hole of this royal conspiracy. A vanishing princess, doctored photos, rumors of body swaps and all sorts of lurid theories. Unfortunately, we won’t know the truth about this mystery until the next season of “The Crown” is back on Netflix.

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