Beside myself with worry
So, it has come to my attention that another Mark LaFlamme has been writing a pretty successful blog from his home base in New Brunswick. At first I was convinced that this was a clone of me — Oh, how I regret submitting my DNA to 23andMe — but looking at Mr. Other LaFlamme’s work, which includes the piece: “Fueling Your Body, Nourishing Your Soul: Cooking for physical and mental well-being…” I now believe that this is a separate entity altogether. Ain’t no WAY a replica of myself would be writing about matters of nourishment and cooking. We HATE those things! Which only means that this conspiracy goes even deeper than we can possibly imagine.

You are what I eat
And speaking of nourishment, I just wanted to let you fine people know, because I understand that you all worry a great deal about my nutritional habits, that I eat vegetables now. All KINDS of vegetables, even the gross, brightly colored objects that look like they come from other planets. This miracle is possible because my current wife has discovered that I’ll eat pretty much anything if it’s in powdered form. When it comes to eating, I prefer the old toss ‘n wash method, you know. One gulp and you’re done. So that current wife we discussed earlier dehydrated a whole bunch of green, orange and even yellow stuff and presented it to me in powdered form. I may never use a fork, spoon or plate again in my life!

Forget I said that
I should probably avoid relating personal information like this in the future. The Other LaFlamme is surely watching me, gathering intel for his diabolical plan to take over my body and make it write about nonsense like nutrition and exercise. But rest assured that I have my own plan to turn the tables. Before this other Mark knows what hit him, he’ll be writing about public nakedness, odd wife behavior and cool stuff found in motel parking lots. I’m coming to get you, LaFlamme!

It’s as crazy as it sounds
Boy, from an outsider perspective, all of that must sound pretty weird. We’re both sorry we got you involved.

Prepare for your doom
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did I read somewhere that the ice is already out on Lake Auburn? Ice out? In March? I don’t know why everyone is sitting around so calmly when this major sign of the End Times is upon us. According to the ancient text, which I happen to have right here with me: “Yea verily, when the frozen water departs from the great lake before the spring bird hath whistled, the doom shall be upon the people in many formeths, up to and including gross foot stuff.” So now we have THAT to worry about on top of everything else.

Take that, twin
That poor Mark LaFlamme in New Brunswick only WISHES he could write stuff this cool. Imagine writing about food when you could be writing about gross foot stuff.

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