DEAR ABBY: I’m a single man, in my mid-40s, an Air Force Academy graduate and former officer, who has never been married. I fell in love with a divorced mother of two who told me while we were dating that for the last 10 years she’d been having an affair with a married man I’ll call “Rex.” She left her husband because Rex promised he’d leave his wife and marry her, but he reneged – so they met twice a week for sex. Rex worked nearby and would stop over during his lunch break. She told me all this while I was seeing her.

She finally broke it off about six months ago, saying she knew Rex was “no good for her.” Subsequently, I gave her a job in my business, and she has turned out to be an excellent employee. Well, she recently confided to me that Rex came over during Easter and they’d had sex. She said that she didn’t “fight it off” when he made his advances.

Abby, this woman is extremely bright. She’s a wonderful mother to her daughters, a great worker, yet she lives like someone who’s still in college and accountable to no one. She says she’s not proud of what she does and calls herself “hopeless” after an afternoon of sex with him, but she continues to do it. We no longer date, but I still have strong feelings for her. Does this make me nuts too? How can I help her? How can I break the spell he has cast over her? – MIND-BOGGLED IN CINCINNATI

DEAR MIND-BOGGLED: Help her? Has it occurred to you that this woman may be happy just the way things are? She knows there’s no future with this man, but she allows this on-again, off-again affair to continue. Not only that, she has a good job with you, a former beau who makes excuses for her and cuts her lots of slack.

Rather than trying to get her head out of the clouds, how about working on your own? You can’t “save” someone who doesn’t want to be saved. My advice is to appreciate her for what she is – an excellent employee – but stop allowing her to dump on you about her personal life, and start looking for a woman who will recognize you for the great catch you are and reciprocate your feelings.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, “Allie,” was in a terrible car accident five weeks ago. She’s still in a rehabilitation center and will be for several more months.

The driver of the other car has just died from the injuries she incurred in the accident. Allie was at fault. She had been drinking. She feels terrible, as one would expect, that she is recovering and the other woman is being buried. Allie would like to send the family a sympathy card. Is this the appropriate thing for her to do? – CONFUSED MOM

DEAR CONFUSED: In circumstances like this, a card would not be appropriate. At the very least, your daughter should write the family of her victim a letter of abject apology. And once she has been released from rehab, she should seek help for her alcohol problem and counseling, if necessary, to help her deal with the guilt.

DEAR ABBY: How does one address a letter of complaint to a company? I don’t feel inclined to begin with “Dear” anybody. My mom would have used “Gentlemen” or “Dear Sirs,” but that seems antiquated. “People” seems silly, and “To Whom It May Concern,” pompous. Have you a better suggestion? — DIANE IN BURNABY, B.C.

DEAR DIANE: “To Whom It May Concern” isn’t pompous; it’s proper. However, if it doesn’t feel right to you, call and ask the name of the president or owner of the company, and address your complaint to that individual.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.