OUTDATED, OVERPRICED AND NOT NAMED CLEMENS

Upper Deck and Disney CEO Michael Eisner have extended an offer to purchase Topps Company. There’s still such a thing as baseball cards? No kidding. I stopped buying them when they changed the stock from cardboard to gold and hiked the price from 35 cents a pack to $2.99 a piece.

REBEL YELL

The Telstar Regional High School girls’ softball team has won 32 consecutive games. In a world of proms, graduations, snow that doesn’t melt until April 30, indoor practices, mud and swinging an aluminum bat when it’s 39 degrees, that’s a pretty cool accomplishment.

CHEER UP, MARK PRIOR MIGHT BE AVAILABLE

Carl Pavano has opted for Tommy John surgery, likely ending his “run” with the Yankees. Price tag for the overrated former Red Sox farmhand’s four-year contact: $8 million per victory. This would be a nice place to conveniently ignore that the Sox were part of the bidding war.

VANISHED, AGAIN

Bob Hill’s second head coaching tenure with the Orlando Magic is over. So the Magic like to give their former bosses a second chance, huh? There you go, Celtics. Do your part for humanity and make Doc Rivers available.

PARENT TRAP

Zab Judah’s father posed as his son while answering 30 minutes worth of questions on a conference call to promote Judah’s upcoming fight with Miguel Cotto, and nobody from the media said a damn thing ’til it was over. Way to go, guys. Oh, just a tip if Barry Bonds ever tries to pull the same stunt: Bobby’s dead.

THE INTERNATIONAL LANGUAGE

Teammates of 1990s Tour de France winners Bjarne Riis and Jan Ullrich have admitted to taking the blood-doping drug EPO while competing. Whew. What a relief to know America hasn’t cornered the market on lying, cheating bastards.

IF A PLAYER RETIRES IN A FOREST AND NOBODY’S AROUND

Hockey’s Brian Leetch has retired after 18 seasons. Silly me. I thought rejecting offers from at least four different teams in 2006-07 meant that he was already done.

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