The Perseids
They were beautiful this year, weren’t they? At least that’s what a friend in Borneo tells me. To see anything sky-related up here in New England, you’d need to rent time on the Hubble Telescope. The very day the meteor storm was to peak, clouds moved in over Maine like a parent covering our eyes before a sexy scene in a movie.

He’s a lover, not a fighter
Kevin Youkilis can hit, but that boy should stay out of baseball brawls. First he flings his helmet at the object of his ire, the baseball equivalent of a screeching hair pull, then gets flung to the ground by a skinny 20-year-old. The next time Yuke decides to charge the mound, he ought to motion to the bench for a pinch brawler.

Ghost X-ing
I’ve just received notice of no less than two ghosts cavorting in Poland, this time on Schellenger Road. Add that to the ghosts of prom queens, murder victims and dead brides and it’s getting pretty thick out there. My advice to the Poland town leadership: start making these specters pay taxes and you’ll scare up enough funds to build the world’s largest Ouija board along Route 11. It wouldn’t hurt to put up some signs to warn tourists, too. According to my math, a driver is more likely to crash into a ghost than he is a deer or moose on these roads.

Paving scam revisited
Remember that scoundrels are out there quoting reasonable prices for paving work only to jack up the costs at the end. Victims of this fraud are mostly elderly people who are intimidated into paying the over-inflated bill when the sub-par work is finished. I think it’s pretty obvious which sticky, bubbling substance the perpetrators of this scheme will be covered with when they sink slowly into hell.

Crime up. Then down. And then up again
From the police notes: A trampoline in Lewiston was damaged overnight by someone melting the foam covering on two pipes.
I thought the damaging of trampolines through the melting of foam covering on pipes was big city crime.

Self-abuse
Yet another young man was witnessed punching himself last week in an alley behind Lisbon Street in Lewiston. This has become a popular form of pugilism, perhaps inspired by the movie “The Fight Club,” in which every participant wins the bout. And also loses.
*Kevin Youkilis should not participate in this sport. He would likely fail to land one punch and would then get beaten up by a bat boy.