I blame the Almanac

As far as I can tell, the Farmers’ Almanac was the first to predict all the snow and cold we’ve been vexed with and, therefore, I hold them directly responsible for the misery. You may question my logic if you’d like, but anybody familiar with the law of “he who smelt it dealt it” will completely understand.

Slip ‘n’ slide

You’ve got to hand it to Lewiston and Auburn public works departments. Every time I leave the area, I find myself in other cities where the roads still bear the mess leftover from previous storms. I don’t want to name names, but a certain water city was particularly nasty last week while Lewiston roads were clear and dry.

Naked Aussie freed from washer with olive oil

Real headline from a real newspaper, really. At home, I keep a bottle of olive oil next to my washer and dryer for this very kind of emergency. Although I’m pleased to announce that I haven’t been stuck inside a major appliance since the incident of 2003.

Games people play

Neighbor in Lewiston calls police to report screaming in a next-door apartment. Police respond. Their finding? “Man got too excited playing Call of Duty.” Call me crazy, but this kind of thing never happened back in the days of Pong.

Science guy

Last week, on a particularly cold night, I tried the experiment wherein you fling boiling water into the frigid night. Totally awesome results. I get out of the burn ward next week. I also went out and got a jar of soap bubbles to see if they would really freeze up in sub-zero temperatures. Guess what? They do! Coming up next, I will prove or disprove that one can freeze eggs on the sidewalk. Deep in my heart, I’ve always wanted to be Bill Nye.

Polar vortex

Speaking of science, doesn’t “polar vortex” sound like something that should suck you into an alternate dimension? I’ve tried. It doesn’t. I couldn’t be more disappointed.

Northern lights

Another way to get frostbit: stand outside in the wee hours looking for the Aurora Whatchamacallit. My problem with the northern lights is that I never know in which direction to look for them.

Bad light

For those of you scoring at home, due to recent adjustments, the traffic lights at East Avenue and Russell Street in Lewiston have been scratched from the Worst Traffic Light spot, giving way to the new No. 1, at Pine and Bates streets. If I ever get the keys to the new LPD tank, I’ll use it to mow down the traffic control box at that intersection, mark my words. And I won’t care whether the light is red or green when I do it. (It’ll be red, guaranteed.)