Black Friday

Ah, that special time of year where we give thanks for what we have one day, and go barreling into Walmart to fight strangers over electronics the next. The irony of that has always struck me. Thursday would have us believe that we’re content with food on the table and the companionship of our family and friends. Friday seeks to convince us that we don’t have NEARLY enough and that if we really loved our families, we’d be willing to fight an obese woman and her three surly sons for a television that’s bigger than your first apartment.

Shake it like a Polaroid

There’s a new dance craze sweeping the nation in which men and women in parking lots are swinging their hips toward their car doors with great zeal. It’s called the Electronic Car Key Dance and it’s most often performed to the song that goes “Dammit, Marvin, come closer to the car so I can open the door. It’s freezing out here.” The whole electronic key thing rather freaks me out. When the dashboard panel pops up the message “No key detected,” I always fear a metallic hand is going to come shooting out of the floor to rummage through my pockets. It’s a bit of a letdown when it doesn’t happen. Don’t you judge me.

Reverse psychology

Speaking of car stuff, I cannot bring myself to trust those backup cameras. The camera in my wife’s car clearly shows any obstacles in my way and it even marks off safe zones for me so it should be virtually impossible to mess it up. But I always feel like somebody somewhere is trying to trick me into backing into a spanking new BMW just so they can laugh and stick me with a huge insurance nightmare.

Tailed

And further speaking of cars and things, do you ever get that feeling like you’re being followed out on the road? And then when the person finally turns off, you actually feel disappointed? What’s that all about, anyway?

Man runs away after failing to rob Sanford motel

Well, that’s an embarrassing headline. There there, mister. Who among us hasn’t run from a motel after failing to achieve what we’d gone there for?

Spoiler alert!

You think it’s hard keeping secret that special gift you got your wife this Christmas? You should try existing in this world of nonstop chatter while trying to avoid “Walking Dead” season six spoilers. I’m halfway through season four and Glen is just fine, you liars.

The S-word

At no point this season will I comment on the striking lack of precipitation in the form of flakes of crystalline water ice that falls from clouds. I made that mistake last January and brought down the wrath from above. Makes “Frosty the Precipitation-in-the-Form-of-Flakes-of-Crystalline-Water-Iceman” a little bit unwieldy, but I’m willing to make that sacrifice.