Head games

The biggest news story of the week carried headlines featuring some variation of the term “severed head.” You’d think any story with “severed head” in the headline is going to be fun, but not. Just more nonsense that was tiresome five minutes after the story broke. It’s a sad, sad day when severed heads are dull.

Ramada Inn sold

What, just like that? How does that work, anyway? Did some super wealthy guy drive through Lewiston, spot the grand Ramada out there by the highway and think, “Nice hotel. Imma buy it?” Being a super wealthy, hotel-buying kind of guy must be like playing Monopoly except not eye-achingly boring.

Blue laws

Well, huh. Gov. LePage has vetoed a bill that would have allowed the grocery stores to open on Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter. Clearly the governor has never experienced the singular pain of craving a box of Yodels, a can of Vienna sausages, a tin of sardines, a copy of Star Magazine, one of those bouncy balls they keep in weird cages, a tray of microwave egg rolls, a Swiffer Sweeper, a 16-pack of Angel Soft toilet paper, a kielbasa and a gallon of Cutty Sark, all in one zany Christmas evening craving that totally wasn’t a result of smoking mistletoe.

‘Age is no barrier for man long in love with neighbor’

No, but a tall fence and a mean dog is. Ask me how I know. (I’ve got to stop reading Dear Abby headlines. They really trouble me.)

12-year-old in National Spelling Bee

That’s grate. I hope she goes all the weigh. You know, I’m not one to brag, but I won a classroom bee at Brookside Elementery in Waterville back in the fourth grade. I’m pretty sure it only happened because Becky, Sue, the Bibber girl and that show-off Bartholomew happened to be out with the croup that day, but still. I get to keep the trofee.

See the Lewiston crater: $25

At Marcotte Park in Lewiston, they’ve been knocking down trees and digging like mad the past couple weeks in preparation for – it seems like I should know this. Some kind of playground? The point is that by Wednesday afternoon, they had knocked down trees in such a way and dug to such an extent that it totally looked like a meteor crater over there. Which makes me think we ought to trick out-of-towners into paying to look at the hole. I fell for that out near Winslow, Arizona once.

‘Home surgery is not a good solution for removing skin tags’

Oh, great. You tell me this after I already bought the saws-all? And now that I think of it, those Dr. Roach headlines are pretty unsettling, also.

But seriously

I’d give you 1 million Monopoly dollars for a Yodel and a Vienna sausage right about now. Totally random. I have no idea where these cravings come from.