Flute Choir Ends Oasis Season

This headline ran on Tuesday. I can’t stop looking at it. It soothes me.

Portland Pie Company is coming!!!!

Holy moly! People got leg-humping happy about this news. Portland Pie Company is one of those places that my wife tells me I love even though I have no clear recollection of eating there, of loving it or of wanting to go back because I love it so much. She tells me the same thing about The Christmas Tree Shop, Jo Anne Fabric and the weddings of people I don’t know personally. I’m starting to feel like this whole marriage thing is a sham.

You’ll never take me alive!

In Auburn, a guy stopped by police during a seat belt violation detail opted to bolt on foot rather than face the horrors of a seat belt trial and the stigma that goes with that kind of conviction. This is practically the plot of “First Blood,” but sadly lacking the Col. Trautman character to repeatedly warn the police that if you send that many men into West Pitch after a seat belt violator, don’t forget one thing: a good supply of body bags. Wow. Did you just get chills? Because I got chills.

Whappa whappa whappa

So, I’ve been making the nightly rounds of Lewiston’s parking garages lately because I’m told that a lot of – shall we say – interesting things happen there after dark. It’s kind of a fun excursion, but I tell you, I don’t like riding through parking garages on my motorcycle because no matter how many times I do it, I can’t shake the feeling that my neck is going to inexplicably elongate and cause my head to slam into the concrete rafters above. Inexplicable neck elongation is a thing, man. It happened to a guy I know.

Waddaya in for?

So a guy in Auburn was arrested early in the week and charged with “burning prohibited materials.” I figured this was just a colorful way for a cop to charge someone with smoking crack, but no. The charge of burning prohibited materials typically pertains to ordinary garbage, regardless of whether or not the accused is on crack when he sets it ablaze. You’ll know this guy when you get to jail (which is just a matter of time, ain’t it?) because he’s the one who smells like roasted milk cartons and charred banana peels.

And speaking of smoking crack

Crack-smoking health officials are currently declaring that more than one alcohol drink a day can shorten one’s life. Yada yada, blah blah. This is one of those issues where the medical community goes back and forth on a regular basis. They do the same thing with coffee. One week, it’s perfectly OK to have three cups a day. The next week, headlines will caution that a third cup of coffee will make you go bald, stupid and impotent just before it kills you. And eggs! Either eggs are the secret to immortality or they’re tiny hand grenades you eat for breakfast. It depends on how much crack the health community has been smoking that day.

Courthouse bell rings for first time in 30 years

Stupid thing. Totally killed my Oasis Flute Choir buzz.