Voices carry
In Lewiston on Thursday a man called 911 to report there were two women in his apartment who would not be quiet. Smart move all around, bro. I’m sure the cop AND the ladies in question won’t be mad about this at all. Maybe tomorrow, you can call the po po because your momma didn’t cut the crust off your grilled cheese sandwich.

The Fall Guy
On Pine Street in Lewiston Thursday, I saw a guy who slipped on the icy sidewalk for approximately 20 seconds but never went down. When the super-extended near-fall was complete, he then stood on the sidewalk glaring at passing traffic, just daring somebody to acknowledge his lack of sure-footedness. My dude, don’t you know that getting mad about this kind of public embarrassment only makes it funnier to those of us fortunate enough to have witnessed the hilarity?

Banned from the tree streets
A lady in Lewiston has bail conditions forbidding her from steeping foot on certain downtown streets, including Ash, Pine and Walnut. Saw this lass struttin’ down Park Street the other day. Where Park crosses Ash, she had to pause, draw a breath and get a running start so she could physically vault the width of Ash Street before doing the same thing a block later at Pine. Quite impressive, actually. We’ll see more of this lady at the 2022 Olympics, I reckon.

Hard news to swallow
So, when big news broke at City Hall Tuesday night, I was at home choking on a piece of roast beef that had become hopelessly lodged in my lower gullet, or whatever you call that part of the throat. Couldn’t swallow, couldn’t breath very well and was considering administering the Heimlich maneuver on myself using a chair, a half-inflated football, a garden rake and a head of lettuce. Saw it on YouTube once. Before I could get to that, though, stuff got crazy at City Hall, yo, and I had to get to reporting and writing on deadline. Wild stuff. Fun stuff. By the time it was over, I was both swallowing and breathing normally, which just proves that news adrenaline is way better than the Heimlich maneuver for clearing the gullet (or whatever). I really have no idea what happened to the massive chunk of beef that had been trying to assassinate me earlier in the night. If you see it let me know.

Please stand and remove your hats
Maine is looking for a new flag? How about one of those National Weather Service maps showing which parts of the state are expecting 18 inches of snow a week before spring and which parts will be getting the latest arctic blast from Canada? Those maps have pretty blues, reds and yellows, and let’s face it: It would pretty much guarantee that nobody will ever, EVER try to invade us.

The Frostbite State
Might as well change the state motto to “Holy CRAP, it’s cold!” or “We’re going to have to take that toe” while we’re at it.

Comments are no longer available on this story