Have you seen this motorcycle?

Sometime overnight Tuesday, fiends dragged off a sweet, dark gray Yamaha R1 from a home on Green Street in Lewiston and were last seen heading toward the downtown with the bike in tow. Thieves in general are despicable creatures, but a scoundrel who steals a man’s motorcycle should be treated as horse thieves were treated in the old West. Seriously, what would Lee Marvin do?

50 shades of whatever

Wait, is it grey or gray? I’d look it up in the Associated Press handbook, but ain’t nobody got time for that. From this point on, I shall refer to the purloined motorcycle as “charcoal.”

The next best thing

Hampered like everyone else by COVID hysteria, some balloon festival lovers are resigned to offering virtual balloon launches in place of the real thing. If you want to make it really authentic, install your computer monitor on the ceiling, next to the brightest bulb you can find, to mimic the act of staring up into the sun for a half hour. You might also hire some people to stand around your living room so you can bump into and trip over them while you walk around gazing at your virtual sky.

Girl Scouts honored in virtual celebration

Wonder how scouting works in the virtual world. I suppose that in place of identifying plants, building fires and fashioning tourniquets out of squirrel parts, the youngsters get their points by troubleshooting HDMI issues and improving buffer rates on their streaming platforms. I still want some of those cookies, though.

Hybrid learning

Man, I wish they’d stop using this term. It freaks me out. Every time they mention it — which is roughly every other sentence at the school committee meetings — I image this half-man, half-hyena creature lurching through the streets and demanding that we all learn the metric system. Listen, Hybrid. If the fearsome Mrs. Wannamaker couldn’t get me to learn that stuff in fifth grade, you don’t have a chance.

Paging Kevin Spacey

And every time the school folk utter the ambiguous term “cohorts,” which they’ve completely redefined somehow, I picture the entire cast of the movie “The Usual Suspects.” Maybe next they’ll hire Keyser Soze as Lewiston’s new superintendent. Nobody will know for sure who’s really in charge of the school system and everybody will suspect everybody else. That could be a lot of fun, actually.

I apologize

If you haven’t actually seen “The Usual Suspects,” that probably sounded like pure gibberish. You know, as opposed to the lucid and coherent dialogue I usually offer up in this space.

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