The Roomba made me do it
Somewhere in Lewiston, or possibly Auburn, last week, police went to a home after receiving a 911 call with nobody on the line. According to the man who lives at the home, it was his robot floor sweeper that sent out the call. I don’t know the technical ins and outs of how it went down, but haven’t we all been there? I’ll never forget the time my microwave oven ordered 16 pizzas and had them delivered to my door. Or the time the can opener had me SWATTED just for a prank. Good times.

‘Bates warns students not to party’
Well, there. That should stop those rascals from pursuing hedonistic delights. In other news, the school has also warned dogs not to chase cats, fish not to swim and birds not to poop on cars.

‘Herd on the street’
This was a headline over our photo of cows prancing down Route 4 and I hate whomever wrote it. Sheer perfection. I would have come up with that headline myself, you know, if I’d had a month or so to think about it.

‘Census takers making rounds in Lewiston’
I wonder how many comments they hear pertaining to fava beans and a nice Chianti. That’s low hanging fruit, boys. Me, I like to answer their knocks by wheeling to the door strapped to a dolly while dressed in a straight jacket and anti-bite mask. I mean, you gotta really commit to the bit to make it work.

I’m having an old friend for dinner
Boy, if you haven’t seen “Silence of the Lambs,” absolutely none of this will make any sense at all. Which I’m fine with. Making sense is totally overrated.

Time cop! Coming soon on FX
More and more lately, I’ve been hearing police sent to addresses that no longer exist. It happened most recently in Lewiston, where police were sent to an address on Bartlett Street for a report of unspecified shenanigans. The first officer on scene radioed back at once. That residence is no longer there, he said, with a nice mix of amusement and irritation. There hasn’t been a house at that street number for five years. I think there’s only one explanation for this. Time travel. Police are being called out to investigate crimes that have been committed years in the past. Or possibly in the future. So now the officers have to go through the difficult steps of traveling through time to investigate loud parties and such. I can’t imagine what the court paperwork is like for that kind of thing. All I know is that the worst transgressors should be extradited back to 2020. Take that, lout! Even hardened criminals, after getting a whiff of this wretched year, will be unlikely to return to their criminal ways.


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