Crack in a bag
You know what’s an abomination? Unshelled pistachios. They sell them in all the grocery stores now — they might as well sell pure heroin right there in the produce section. If you don’t have the mouth-watering, finger-bleeding agony of trying to open the shells to get at the delicious nut, your pistachio use is going to spiral out of control and the next thing you know, you’re sitting in the rehab circle and explaining in sobs how it all began when your dealer started offering a shell-free option. Remember, children. There is no such thing as a recreational pistachio user.

What’s so funny?
Saw a dude on a bike laughing uproariously the other day near the corner of Walnut and Bates streets in Lewiston. The fellow was all by himself and I didn’t see anything hilarious about, but I threw my head back and laughed right along with him. Hey, I don’t want people to think I don’t get jokes.

City gets Zoom-bombed
Figures that happens during a meeting I wasn’t sent to cover. That kind of thing would possibly rouse me out of the slumber that overtakes me when forced to cover meetings. I don’t know what happened, exactly, but it occurs to me that “Zoom-bombed” is just one more in a weird batch of words 2020 has forced into our vernacular. Hell, I’m still bitter about the word “vernacular” getting forced upon us since “vernacular” to me sounds like something horrible that might afflict a delicate part of the body. Why is Rodney walking funny, you ask? Poor chap is suffering from the vernacular. Our thoughts and prayers are with him at this difficult time.

Car slams McDonald’s
OK, folks. Starting immediately, we’ll be issuing fines for anyone who resorts to the “drive-thru window” themed jokes in these matters. That’s low-hanging fruit, bros. You’re better than this.

Low-hanging fruit
Also sounds somewhat like an embarrassing and uncomfortable medical condition. I’m pretty sure this is why Rodney never wears shorts.

The Trump-Biden debate
Haw haw! You thought I was actually going to comment on this? You actually believe I watched the debate? That’s pretty funny, mister. Hey, maybe that’s what got the guy at Bates and Walnut in stitches. I’d rather eat pistachios, shells and all, or even live with the agony of The Vernacular than tune into that kind of tommyrot.

Say it, don’t spray it
Word on the street is that there has been a fresh flurry of graffiti scrawled on some downtown buildings over the past week. I saw a bit of it, but couldn’t discern what message the tagger was trying to impart. What I always wonder is why nobody ever uses the classic “Kilroy was here” bit anymore. Little bald dude peering over the top of a building, pendulous schnoz hanging free? That’s just good times right there. By golly, you just can’t go wrong with the classics. These kids coming up nowadays, I dunno.

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