Desert of Maine revamped!
When I first came across this story, I read it as “dessert of Maine” and wondered why everyone was so excited about blueberry pie all of a sudden. Or is it lobster cake? Pinecone sorbet? I’m not real up on my official state desserts.

But anyway, desert of Maine revamped!
I wonder what they’ll add for new features. They could fill the place with scorpions, that’ll keep things exciting. Or maybe they’ll hire some bedraggled folks to drag themselves across the hot sand croaking “waaater” at horrified visitors. As you can see, everything I know about deserts comes from cartoons. Same goes for desserts, too, now that I think of it.

Love that dirty water
It’s happening! Or rather I should say, it’s happened. I mean, come on, city of Lewiston! I left strict orders that I’m to be notified at once when the canal is drained. I’ve made no secret about the fact that Canal Draining Day is my favorite Lewiston holiday. I’ve been practicing the dance, I had a themed outfit custom fitted and you wouldn’t believe the special plans I had for the canal mistletoe ritual. All that and they went and drained the thing without me. Thanks a lot, canal Santa. Guess the only thing to do now is to wait for Curbside Cleanup Day. I’m writing a special carol for it this year. Need some words that rhyme with muck, ooze and blech.

He knows when you’ve been seeping
Whoa . . . Can you imagine what a Lewiston canal Santa would look like? I can. It’s terrifying.

Seasonal slump
Times are tough here at Talk of the Town studios. I ride around and ride around, yet nothing has inspired me this week. You know times are tough when you find yourself down on Bartlett Street asking people to take their shirts off and do something funny. Actually, three people agreed to it, but they wanted waaaay too much money. I mean seriously, they’re charging lumber prices out there.

Scintillating scotoma
A local doctor the other day hit me with this term. I advised him to stay out of my sex life, thank you very much. But no. He wasn’t being indecent, it’s a term for the visual aura that precedes a migraine in some sufferers. Go do a Google image search and see for yourself. I swear to you this isn’t like the last time I encouraged you to do an image search. You were right, that wasn’t funny.

PS
It was a LITTLE funny . . .

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There once was a woodpecker from Nantucket