Fair warning
I got so wrapped up in the migraine piece you see sprawling around you, I totally forgot that I had to write Talk of the Town this week. For that reason, you might notice that I’m totally phoning it in this week and you may not see as much of the clear and lucid prose that usually fills this space. Additionally, I’m afraid I’m also going to have to skip the advice portion of the column, which as you know, I like to write in the form of haikus.

Is it 5-7-5 or 5-5-7?
OK, I was making most of that up, but now that I mention it, how cool would a haiku advice column be? If you good folks will start sending me your cheating wife, overbearing boss, demonic mother-in-law and vile neighbor woes, I’ll start dashing off the haikus at once and we’ll get all your problems solved. Or possibly made worse. But either way, fun!

Firefighters free woodpecker from fishing line
I’d be lying if I were to say I’m not bitter about missing this story. Unfortunately, it happened before I was out of bed so some other greedy reporter snatched it up. It’s a real bummer, too, mainly because funny bird names are my passion.

Roll with it! Make it happen! Put it all together!
The hulking and surly sportswriter Randy Whitehouse, who passed away last week, used to chant this at me on occasions when he caught me complaining about a news assignment. Even more infuriatingly, he’d clap his hands together to add emphasis to the mantra. “Roll with it! (clap) Make it happen! (clap) Put it all together! (clap clap.) It was really quite aggravating and hilarious, and man, how I miss it now.

Have you ever been to Nantucket?
Now that I’ve given it more thought, maybe instead of haikus, I should dole out the advice in limerick form. I’d like to hear from you in particular if you happen to be a lady from Brewer or a man from Kent.

U.S. companies bump up prices on supply squeeze, demand boom
Does this headline make sense to anyone? Are there actually people who will nod with perfect understanding when they come across information like this? If so, would you be willing to manage my portfolio? My retirement package has become unwieldy and really needs to be hauled out of the shed and cashed in at the redemption center. See to it, man!

What’d I tell you?
See? Told you this column was going to be a disaster. Don’t come crying to me, little mister. You knew what this was.


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