Parachute spiders
What’s this? You say we’re about to be invaded by a breed of giant spiders best known for parachuting, commando style, into your bed or right down the front of your shirt? Sounds horrifying. I’m not sweating it, though. Wasn’t it just last year we were told the so-called Murder Hornets were on their way to New England, and look out, everybody, they’re really wrathful? Pttth. We’re promised all these exciting creatures and all we get are deer ticks.

If you really want to see exotic creatures of that type, we’re blessed with Drew Desjardins of Mr. Drew and His Animals, Too. That dude is just crawling with critters. I always mean to head over to his place, but I’m afraid one of his creepy bugs will parachute down my shirt.

Time and temp
Hoo, boy. Did I get a lot of angry messages this week about the disappearance of the local time and temperature number, which I’m told is — sorry, WAS — 786-2411. I don’t know why I’m being directly blamed for this madness, but here we are. I’ll tell you what. In the interest of restoring peace and harmony and all that, I’ve found another time and temp number you can use. It’s 1-900-HOT-HOT-HOT. Have your credit cards at the ready.

You ain’t got no alibi
Saw a license plate in Lewiston the other day that just said “UGLY.” This tickled me for reasons that aren’t entirely clear. Who’s ugly, you? Me? The car itself? I was so curious about this one, I raced into the passing lane to get a look at the driver. False advertising is what it is. You, my friend, are striking!

Bart the Bear
My new favorite actor is a bear. A kodiak bear named Bart, to be specific. Caught his work in a survival movie called “The Edge” the other day and was terrified by the ferocity of the beast. Come to find out, Bart has been in all sorts of movies, such as “Legends of the Fall,” “White Fang” and “The Great Outdoors.” Sadly, Bart was so good in these roles, he was typecast as a bear and never got the chance to play something else. I would have enjoyed seeing Bart’s portrayal of our nation’s second president in the film “John Adams,” for example. I think Bart would have brought real depth to the role.

The great thing about bears
Is that they almost never parachute down the front of your shirt and you never have to worry if one is silently creeping up your back.

The terror is real
You know what’s more cruel than a murder hornet? A North American semi-aquatic murder editor. I had one this week who sent me in cold to cover a #@!#! water district meeting that lasted about 10 hours. I really need to get a trained bear to forestall things like this.